Sometimes I hate being me

“It’s me, yeah, well I can’t get myself to go away.”

I’d attribute that, but I don’t feel like it. Ask me later. I really hate this feeling. But I’ve said that once.

Anyone have an exacto knife? No, that’s not the answer and I know it, but sometimes it’s so tempting. Besides, Jay would be pissed at me if he knew the thought even crossed my mind. It’s worse when I don’t know why. There’s a thread in the Sins Forum about the worst feeling in the world. For me, this is it, what I’m feeling right now, on the verge of some sort of breakdown, and the automatic reflex is to go play with knives, and knowing better and knowing that it’s the dumbest idea I’ve had in months, and having to fight it when I know it should be a simple choice. It should be easy. Don’t get into cutting. It sucks, it hurts, and it’s hard to stop doing. Take up smoking instead, at least that addiction is mostly socially acceptible.

I’m not going to post it at Sins, though, it’s too hard to explain and I don’t want to sound like I’m looking for attention, and I’m always convinced that that’s exactly what I sound like if I even mention it. I’m not, or maybe I am, whatever.

I’m argumentative right now, too, and easily upset, and I don’t care what I say to people, and I’m not thinking things through before I write them out. If anyone feels like attacking me, now’s a good time, I’m pretty much defenseless.

Sometimes I hate being a survivor.

1 Comment

  • Anonymous

    May 22, 2000 at 4:46 am

    Playing with knives

    Small scars from playing with knives but isn’t it funny how you can feel them and they’re big? The damage done isn’t always just from the cut.

    Dear friend friend said once that there’s just those times when you feel like running and razor blades are become your friend…

    Sometimes life just sucks. That’s life. You’ve survived worse.

    “take my hand and change my mind…how could people get so unkind?” -Neil Young