That downswing is back again. It’s been a bad couple of weeks for that. I’m really frustrated and annoyed with myself anyway for not being done the article yet, and I’ve been truly beyond bad at Counterstrike for the past couple weeks. What’s the point in even playing if all it does is piss me off that I’m so bad at it? And I already know all those things everyone will say if I tell them: “Practice and you’ll get better,” or “Keep playing, you’ll get better,” or “You’re better than this guy here (pointing to someone on the screen).” That isn’t what matters. Fuck that shit. For once I’d like to be good at it. And yes, I play for fun, but when you spend most of your time dead it’s not fun anymore. And when you watch the rest of your team do really well in an important match where all you did was run around distracting the other team, getting yourself killed, and giving your team time to reach their objective, it’s almost humiliating. Oh, sure, it’s useful and it’s playing on the team, but it’s like getting picked to play goalie in public school because your soccer team knows they’re good enough that the ball will never even come close to you. ‘Get her out of the way, where she won’t cause any damage.’ Not that my counterstrike team is like that, or does that, because they don’t and they never have. It’s just how I feel.
I’m considering playing under a different name for a while. Maybe this whole mood/attitude thing is because I’m part of team that’s really good, to which I feel I contribute nothing. Maybe I’ll like it more if I’m playing under a different name against complete strangers, I don’t know. Maybe I just need to find a new game.