Cranky gamer girl

*sigh*

That downswing is back again. It’s been a bad couple of weeks for that. I’m really frustrated and annoyed with myself anyway for not being done the article yet, and I’ve been truly beyond bad at Counterstrike for the past couple weeks. What’s the point in even playing if all it does is piss me off that I’m so bad at it? And I already know all those things everyone will say if I tell them: “Practice and you’ll get better,” or “Keep playing, you’ll get better,” or “You’re better than this guy here (pointing to someone on the screen).” That isn’t what matters. Fuck that shit. For once I’d like to be good at it. And yes, I play for fun, but when you spend most of your time dead it’s not fun anymore. And when you watch the rest of your team do really well in an important match where all you did was run around distracting the other team, getting yourself killed, and giving your team time to reach their objective, it’s almost humiliating. Oh, sure, it’s useful and it’s playing on the team, but it’s like getting picked to play goalie in public school because your soccer team knows they’re good enough that the ball will never even come close to you. ‘Get her out of the way, where she won’t cause any damage.’ Not that my counterstrike team is like that, or does that, because they don’t and they never have. It’s just how I feel.

I’m considering playing under a different name for a while. Maybe this whole mood/attitude thing is because I’m part of team that’s really good, to which I feel I contribute nothing. Maybe I’ll like it more if I’m playing under a different name against complete strangers, I don’t know. Maybe I just need to find a new game.

6 Comments

  • samuraipunch

    May 18, 2000 at 10:37 am

    more CS…

    Crap my Windoze box crashed on me as i was about to post!!

    oh well… I’d offer to play some CS w/ you for fun, just to let you see how much fun being dead can be! Yeah I’ve been having the dead more than alive problem too, I’m not leading the kill board either anymore… More like straggling along in the middle of it to the bottom LOL!!

    Part of your problem, IMO is that you are trying to meet others expectations, Like [JwG]’s. Yeah i know its hard especially when you’ve got to represent for your clan… Even though you may be playing for _fun_ you’ve also got to play for yourself, not because someone else wants YOU to play, but cause you want to play. I find it easier to get into the game when i play for myself and not my clan, even though i may still wear the [1hit] tag.

    Also try playing by yourself on a server, w/o anyone from JwG on the server. It’ll help your individual game, by learning your strengths and weaknesses. That and don’t _run_ in a group of people, but more as a solo. Yeah it does suck when you run into a group of enemies but, you can learn from it. And gain experience in one on one, and one on many situations…

    Well just thought I’d try and help… I’d tell you to swing by Gnet #1hit, or id swing by #clanjwg but someone’s ego is still rather bloated, cause i’m still banned and kick/banned on a script. Not that i really care. It’s JWG’s loss not mine.

    Sam

    • Jenny Lee Silver

      May 18, 2000 at 11:16 am

      Re: more CS…

      I don’t play alone. I play as part of a team. This is why I don’t play Q3dm. It’s pointless. I like team games. And I’m not trying to live up to their expectations, I’m trying to live up to mine. I happen to have way-too-high expectations of myself. It’s part of everything I do, and it pisses me off, but it’s a lot harder to get rid of than by just saying ‘Don’t feel that way.’ I’m amazed I even started playing CS in the first place. I don’t like doing anything I’m not immediately good at. (high expectations, anyone?) I’m forgiving of everyone else though, I don’t expect from anyone else even half of what I expect out of myself.

      From what I know, there’s more than one person still p’d at you in JwG. What is said about one person in a clan applies to the entire clan, even if it isn’t meant that way. Accuse one of cheating, then all are cheating, etc. Hence my anger in an earlier post about feeling defensive regarding Jay. Someone comes into IRC and starts slamming Jay, and that means they’re slamming me, and I react accordingly. Loyalty.

      • samuraipunch

        May 18, 2000 at 11:49 am

        Re: more CS…

        Play for yourself, you may be playing to have fun, but you wont really have fun unless you do it for yourself. Playing for yourself makes a big difference in the game. and dont set any expectations for yourself in the game… dont think about whats going on… just let loose and play. you die, you die, you live, you live.

        LOL more than one LOL hehe… could really care less… I’ll let your ([JwG]’s) ego be the way they are… Doesnt really matter to me if you ([JwG]) want to be consumed by your ([JwG]) own egos to leave this in the past. I’m on good terms w/ the people whose opinion matter to me, so it doesnt really matter to me what you ([JwG]) think about me.

        I’ve played back to pre [JwG] w/ many of the orignal members to the time of before [UST], i know what went on then, and it doesnt bother me to say that i could comfortably say that the same things that [UST] did (when we {suraklin, Sl!pkn0t, Kyddthunder, PortoJohn, Hydro nots, GrindBastard, Sascha, Laughing Boy, Scout-Sniper, Ishmael, Loki, Gambit, and I} were all members) still occur in [JwG]. Now I am only speaking for myself and what I KNOW HAPPENED from partaking in those activities myself. So you see if i was to _shit-talk_ [JwG] i would in effect be doing the same to myself, and a fellow clan member of [1hit] ([1hit]Sl!pkn0t now [1hit]Mesadon). I openly admit to what i did in [UST] and have no qualms w/ it.

        • mithoviel

          May 19, 2000 at 4:40 am

          Re: more CS…

          Don’t feel bad Zithy…I’ve been in a big cs rut lately too. That’s one reason i’m taking a break. It’s hard to have fun when you don’t play as well as you know you can or think you should be able to. I think a lot of our clan members have been discouraged as of late…but it will pass. I’m going away for the weekend and when I come back I should have a refreshed attitude. Everyone needs a reset button.

          • mithoviel

            May 19, 2000 at 4:53 am

            Re: more CS…

            BTW….the alias thing….if you see someone named AgentOfOblivion out there, that’s me. No one expects anything from you when you belong to fraggers anonymous. Except I slipped and spraypainted somebody’s corpse by habit…and Cowboy187 saw it and let the cat out of the bag =)

          • samuraipunch

            May 19, 2000 at 9:53 am

            Re: more CS…

            LOL hehe if you see CB (Cowboy187) tell him hi for me and I’ll be joining his HPB ranks!! Well that is if i decide to play on a *cough 33.6kbps dial-up cough* (thatd be ISP side not my hardware). BTW how is CB doin i havent fragged his HPB ass in a while…