I woke up around 5 this morning, sat up, looked at the clock, and said to Jay, “Aren’t you coming to bed??” He was playing CounterStrike. When I had gone to bed just after midnight, he had been mapping, and I think the last thing I said to him before I fell asleep was “Don’t stay up too late… not that it really matters for you, but hey.” A touch of resentment, anyone? Anyhow, I woke up at 5, he was playing CS, and I asked him to come to bed because I was upset (and half-asleep) and resented that he is able to stay up all night and sleep in the next day, when I have to be at work by 9am. And yes, it was partly because I wanted his company in bed with me, but it was also partly because I wanted to interrupt his game… when I realized that this morning (after I got up to get ready for work) I felt like a six year old who sees her brother having more fun than she is, so she wants to wreck it for him. I have immature moments.
I don’t like that I resent Jay for it, though. I know that logically I have all sorts of perfectly valid reasons to resent him, but when I look at them again, they aren’t really that big a deal… except that they are. damn… it’s too hard to explain. I hate having to defend him to his friends and family when they ask me if he’s working yet. I don’t even try anymore, I just say that he’s going back to school to upgrade his skills. Which he is… but he hasn’t decided what course, what school, or when he’s going, so it really feels like nothing’s happening.
It’s a recurring theme, I know it. It’s frustrating, and if the resentment is starting to show up when I’m half-asleep and just woke up for no apparent reason at 5am, then it simply can’t be good. I talk to him about it, and it seems like, for at least a little while, he’s going to do something… but it hasn’t happened yet. The resentment will keep growing if nothing changes. I realized on the streetcar trip in this morning that he’s been living with me for 10 months in June – that’s really close to being a year. A whole year. Fuck. Why can’t I take a year off and sit at my computer at home and have someone else work to bring in the money?
I’ve heard every opinion out there – Dump him, wait for him, give him a kick in the ass, tell him how I feel. Of course I’ve told him. I’ve tried to motivate him too. It’s not up to me to get him out of the house, and I’m not willing to leave him or dump him, however well-intentioned such advice from friends may be. Chances are, things will be reversed at some point – I’ll be the one who’s not working, for whatever reason, and he’ll have to take care of me. At least I won’t feel guilty about it if it happens.