I just can’t be responsible for someone else’s life…

I woke up around 5 this morning, sat up, looked at the clock, and said to Jay, “Aren’t you coming to bed??” He was playing CounterStrike. When I had gone to bed just after midnight, he had been mapping, and I think the last thing I said to him before I fell asleep was “Don’t stay up too late… not that it really matters for you, but hey.” A touch of resentment, anyone? Anyhow, I woke up at 5, he was playing CS, and I asked him to come to bed because I was upset (and half-asleep) and resented that he is able to stay up all night and sleep in the next day, when I have to be at work by 9am. And yes, it was partly because I wanted his company in bed with me, but it was also partly because I wanted to interrupt his game… when I realized that this morning (after I got up to get ready for work) I felt like a six year old who sees her brother having more fun than she is, so she wants to wreck it for him. I have immature moments.

I don’t like that I resent Jay for it, though. I know that logically I have all sorts of perfectly valid reasons to resent him, but when I look at them again, they aren’t really that big a deal… except that they are. damn… it’s too hard to explain. I hate having to defend him to his friends and family when they ask me if he’s working yet. I don’t even try anymore, I just say that he’s going back to school to upgrade his skills. Which he is… but he hasn’t decided what course, what school, or when he’s going, so it really feels like nothing’s happening.

It’s a recurring theme, I know it. It’s frustrating, and if the resentment is starting to show up when I’m half-asleep and just woke up for no apparent reason at 5am, then it simply can’t be good. I talk to him about it, and it seems like, for at least a little while, he’s going to do something… but it hasn’t happened yet. The resentment will keep growing if nothing changes. I realized on the streetcar trip in this morning that he’s been living with me for 10 months in June – that’s really close to being a year. A whole year. Fuck. Why can’t I take a year off and sit at my computer at home and have someone else work to bring in the money?

I’ve heard every opinion out there – Dump him, wait for him, give him a kick in the ass, tell him how I feel. Of course I’ve told him. I’ve tried to motivate him too. It’s not up to me to get him out of the house, and I’m not willing to leave him or dump him, however well-intentioned such advice from friends may be. Chances are, things will be reversed at some point – I’ll be the one who’s not working, for whatever reason, and he’ll have to take care of me. At least I won’t feel guilty about it if it happens.

4 Comments

  • eyean

    May 25, 2000 at 9:01 am

    your posts make me reflect. it’s a work distraction. i always tell my boss, i’m reading news back home. lovely dear, just lovely.

    =)

  • magicwoman

    May 26, 2000 at 11:07 am

    I understand what you’re going through

    My boyfriend and I have been together four years this July 4. He got laid off his job last July and hasn’t worked since. I certainly understand your frustrations. What I tell friends and family is that David isn’t going back to work until he finds something he wants to do (he worked at the other job for 13 years and hated it). Me personally, couldn’t work at a job I didn’t like. I am like you, I wish I could take a year off and just sit at home and work on teh computer, stay up all night, play games on the computer, putz around during the day. He contributes nothing to the household. I try to get him to do housework – but that has been a futile effort. I get the most frustrated by the housework. If I am paying for everything – couldn’t he at least wash dishes? Oh, I take it back that the whole effort has been futile – he now takes out trash and recycling without being asked (could dishes be far behind). When he does do dishes – he only washes the glass objects – not plastic (like a phobia of some sort). Won’t cook but a few specialty items and I end up cooking the rest of the time and getting more frustrated because I have to wash pans before I can cook. The cycle doesn’t seem to have an end.

    But you know for all the griping (inside and a little outside) he is a totally special guy. I have lost a couple of jobs to layoffs and he has been right there and very supportive (however, I had a job within three days each time). He is so sensitive and caring that I seem like a bitch worrying so about household chores.

    Oh, well, I would have made a totally bitchy husband (if I were a guy) in the 50’s when the little woman was supposed to keep house. I didn’t think I had that in me – you know equal sharing of chores – but I do. If I am working and bringing home the doe, then I want the other person to be totally responsible for the house.

    I better close here for now. I hope things improve for you (and me too).

    • Jenny Lee Silver

      May 26, 2000 at 11:49 am

      Re: I understand what you’re going through

      That was Jay’s problem too – the job he had before was in another city (so we didn’t see much of each other) and he hated it as well. We share the cooking pretty much equally, but I do dishes (why must I always do the dishes??) and cleaning and laundry (I managed to get his help for laundry last time I did it…) – he’s getting better… he feeds the cats every day, and he takes the garbage out, and he makes me tea. But most of my complaining is kept to my writing, or in my head, unless I feel like I have to say something to him before I explode… and then it’s like he feels like a little kid and I’m lecturing him because he’s been bad… all I want to get across to him is that I want him to treat us like an equal couple… If I cook dinner, you do dishes, or if we both do dishes, I wash, you dry, or something. It’s frustrating, and yet I know that he’s worth waiting for.

      I completely feel the way you do when you say, “If I am working and bringing home the doe, then I want the other person to be totally responsible for the house.” – Well, isn’t that only fair?? I doesn’t seem to work that way though.

      And I feel like a bitch for complaining about it whenever I do… when I know it’s justified. However, if my only two options are tolerate it or dump him, I’ll tolerate it… he won’t be without a job forever, I know that would drive him completely nuts. I’m just impatient. After 10 months, anyone would be.

  • Anonymous

    August 27, 2000 at 7:50 pm

    insensitivity

    you know, technically it IS your home. and he’s the one interupting YOUR sleep when YOU have to work. why doesn’t buddy see it that way? hmmm. follow your heart, little one.