It’s easy, when you’re dissatisfied with something in your life, to look at something else and wonder if it would have worked out the same way if…
We never let it go too far, we never let it get serious, we never got too attached… or at least, we never admitted it when it happened. After all, neither of us wanted a relationship, not with each other and not with anyone. We just wanted to fight off loneliness, and the best way to do that was together. It certainly helped that we were attracted to each other…
So, we were never ‘a couple,’ just friends – and when frustration overwhelms me now, it’s hard not to wonder what could have been, had circumstances been different, had we done things another way, had the timing not been wrong.
It’s impossible to say, one way or the other. It’s a given that temptation always has the potential to appear, but it’s a fact that I won’t and could never act on it. What I have is too much for me to just toss it away on a temptation, on wondering about ‘what might have been.’ It may be frustrating at times, but where I am now is real, the feelings are real, it’s right, and it’s worth fighting for.
I guess it’s like window shopping. Sometimes you can’t help but look when something catches your attention, and sometimes you wonder how it would look on you. It’s fine to look, and maybe even to wonder a little, that’s only human really… but you know that you can’t buy.
So I looked and wondered, but I didn’t buy, and I won’t buy, because I’m happy with what I have, and because the respect we have for each other would never allow that. Frustration brings doubt, doubt makes me wonder, but it can’t go farther than that. You can’t always know what might have been.
I wish there was a way to have everything, but that’s not how life works. *sigh*