What if… no, scratch that

Everyone has a game concept that they would love to see happen – my own pet being a properly done PC game based on the Dragonriders of Pern fantasy books by Anne McCaffery (once upon a time there was a Commodore 64 game of dragonriders… but I digress). How about those endless game ideas that you just know will never happen? Those games that are just a bad idea from initial conception…

Compiled here, for your contemplation and enjoyment, is a list of games that should never be made, will never be made, or if they are made will be the kind of thing that make you stop and say “What are they thinking???”

We’ll start with simulation games. Everyone loves The Sims, flight simulators, and property management games like Roller Coaster Tycoon. How about house maintenance simulations, where you can wander around the house repairing things, doing laundry, washing the dishes, gardening, convincing your significant other that they should do work while you play on the computer, and so on? Yes, The Sims touches on this (the flies buzzing around a plate usually let you know when you should clean up…) but imagine an entire game dedicated to it! Hours of entertainment!

Or what about putting a new twist on flight & driving simulations – inebriation levels? I realize that this idea is entirely non-politically correct, completely a wrong thing to encourage, and wouldn’t make it past anyone in management who had any sense… but can you just imagine trying to control your vehicle when the monitor keeps blurring out, trees and buildings keep transmuting into doors or spinning tops, and the responses to your keyboard commands are sluggish and occasionally go off on tangents that you have no control over whatsoever. If you want some variations, try the Psychedelic settings.

For more simulations, you can try “Workplace Politics at the Watercooler,” (like there isn’t enough of that already), SimDiet (you too can become a supermodel waif in 2 short weeks… until you’re hospitalized for malnutrition), SimElections (what underhanded politics can you exercise on your way to the presidency?) and many, many more!

Spin-off games are always popular, too. There are countless games based on all of our favorite films and television shows, so how about some new ones that no one has thought of yet (maybe with good reason)?

Cops! The Game… be the camera guy in the back seat of the police car as they travel around the city answering calls, capturing bad guys, going on high-speed chases, and watching everyone try to over-act for the camera. Make sure you blur out any faces and license plates, or you might get sued! And then there’s Daytime talk shows – how messed up can you make your shows’ guests to keep the ratings high (a la Jerry Springer)?

Escape from Titanic: The Movie. You get to be Jack, try to defeat the script and survive that icy Atlantic ocean, getting the girl and the necklace! Or how about Horror movie madness: the college dorm sleepover – traipse around in a nightie, screaming and giggling and screaming some more, doing every single thing that you just know is a bad idea and will get you turned into a zombie, ignoring those voices in your head that keep saying “Don’t go in the basement!! Everyone who’s gone in the basement got zombie-fied, and it will probably happen to you, too!”

Game developers could play on music fans’ nostalgia with a Groupie game… follow your favorite band around the world on their tour, sleeping in vans and tents surrounded by strangers, trying desperately to get that autograph you’ve always wanted, and get a chance to hang out with the band in their tour bus, all the while avoiding the perils of the road, the crowds, the trends, the eventual dissatisfaction with your band of choice and the call home to mom and dad begging them to send you money to get you home.

For the anti-adventure fans, there could be games like Professional Painter – travel around town in your overalls, painting people’s houses in 47 different shades of ecru. News Anchor – you don’t have to be part of what’s going on in the real world, just report on current events as they happen… bonus points for sympathy stories. And who could forget the classic “Open This!” – the game that puts your strength of will (and arms) against the toughest jars of pickles, CD wrappers, and shaken pop cans.

Now, to be utterly tasteless (and I warn you now, if you don’t want tastelessness, don’t read this…) you could present Ruthless Revenge, Truth or Dare (interactive webcam version,) Gangsta (how to make your way through the ranks of the ghetto to the penthouse… imagine your own methods here…), Proctologist (need I say more?), Hard Time (a prison life sim,) and finally, The World’s Oldest Profession. Plenty of tasteless fun to be had…

But we all know that these games don’t exist… or at least we hope that they don’t. They don’t, do they?? Please tell me they don’t… If you do find any of them, I’d definitely be interested in seeing them. Until then, I’ll just keep an eye out for these smashing titles and more under layers of dust on my local game retailer’s shelves, and let you know if I find anything.