Too much confusion and frustration

Hmm. I was rambling about sex earlier, wasn’t I? Well then… I don’t particularly care what anyone tries to tell me about this, but I know from experience, no matter how much someone says that sexuality doesn’t really matter because there’s so many other things in the relationship that make up for it yadda yadda yadda… that’s bull. Part of being human is acknowledging your sexuality, revelling in it, not feeling guilty about it, and so on.

Fortunately, Jay has never said that sort of stuff to me, (and it would piss me off if he did)… he knows that it’s important. So do I… but that doesn’t make me want it more. So I feel guilty for not being a sexual enough being. It comes and goes, with me. And yes, he should understand that, and he does understand that, but it has to work the other way too… I should understand his side of it. It is an expression of intimacy, and part of the relationship, and it’s important… I just don’t know how to change who I am. I don’t really want to change who I am. I don’t want to go back to being a sexual automaton, either. But damn if I don’t feel guilty about it.

The whole thing just annoys me. I’m annoyed at people who caused me to be this way. I’m annoyed at myself for not knowing how to fix it. I’m annoyed at Jay for wanting more than I can give.

and then I feel guilty for being annoyed at Jay when really he just wants to share something that people as close as us are supposed to want to share. There is nothing wrong with what he wants.

is it time to go back to therp? *sigh*

4 Comments

  • eyean

    June 19, 2000 at 9:19 am

    good morning jennylee. earlier at meredith’s weenie room, i asked myself, “to want or not to wank.” mondays have these weekend leftover sexual undertones…

    bon soir?e.

  • Anonymous

    June 19, 2000 at 7:30 pm

    Communication and Love

    Dear Jenny Lee, when the sex starts, the talking stops and everyone falls into the roles that they know so well….men and women both. Sometimes having sex is the way to avoid the real intimacy of sharing your thoughts (good and bad) and dreams (real and crazy) . Sex/love should be the last stop in the communication chain….not the first. You are doing fine….don’t worry.

    Terry

    • Jenny Lee Silver

      June 20, 2000 at 6:48 am

      Re: Communication and Love

      Hi Terry!

      Thank you. I’m working on it. 🙂

  • Anonymous

    August 28, 2000 at 5:53 pm

    twins?

    this is scary. get out of my head. you seem soft and scarred, like my own skin. sex is over-rated. it shouldn’t be what people base their connection upon. makes me cry, always thought I was a freak. now know other pained ones exist. thank you, and steer away from false physicalities: follow your heart.