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Last night I had a moment.

That’s what I call it anyhow. I was in irc #secrets chatting with Darcy and Cyn and Charlie, and somehow we started talking about recreational pharmaceuticals. Or at least I did. I was rambling about the times I tried ecstacy, over a year and a half ago. I actually haven’t done any drugs in over a year, not since the last time I was hanging around smoking with Melesse and Jones – before Jones went incredibly stupid about Jay, before Jay even moved in with me, before we promised to each other that we wouldn’t do any drugs again. In other words, a lifetime ago.

Anyhow, I was talking about being on E (or X, or whatever you’d like to call it,) and how I felt about the entire world while I was on it. I loved everyone, I understood why people were the way they were, I felt as though I understood everything and that the whole world was really just about that feeling of understanding and knowing and loving them anyway. I remember how easy it was to learn something new when I was on that high – I can still play the songs I learned on guitar, but I haven’t been able to learn much of anything at that level of playing since then, because I get frustrated too easily.

There was a feeling of joy and understanding that the drug could bring out in me, and that is how I could see that drug being an addiction. I already have an addictive personality, but I didn’t get addicted. I realized, at some point after the second time I had tried it, that I felt that way sometimes without the drug, and it was like I was cheating somehow to use it to get there. Last night, for some strange reason, I remembered that… and to me, the point of everything I do is to find that feeling, without the use of drugs or alcohol (okay, alcohol just makes me depressed, so that wouldn’t work anyhow,) or anything else that fabricates that feeling… I know for a fact that I’ve felt the exact same way on the streetcar when I watch people… I’ve felt the same understanding when I sit on the boardwalk watching the water and waves and people going by… and that’s what I want to work for – that kind of understanding.

There are days where I just love people, (although there hasn’t been one in a while,) where everything I look at is beautiful by merit of its existance alone. I can’t describe it, I can’t explain it, I can’t even begin to share it with anyone else until I’ve learned how to feel that way any time… and that’s the point, for me. I want to understand everything, and I want everything to understand me, and I want it to be real, not drug-induced. I’ve felt it before, and I know it’s real… I know I can find it again.

4 Comments

  • ginamoog

    September 7, 2000 at 9:09 am

    E

    I have done so much E. Alot of good and alot bad. I haven’t done it for a while and probably won’t again. It’s too euphoric for me. heh.

    Oh yeah whatever happened to Melesse? She used to hang on Marigold..

    • Jenny Lee Silver

      September 7, 2000 at 9:12 am

      Re: E

      She’s got a livejournal now… (see link above)

      You’d be better asking her what happened…

  • mtbandit

    September 7, 2000 at 10:56 am

    You mentioned a few days ago the ihaveasecret discussion of Fall. Fall is my favorite time ofyear because that crisp, cool air gives me the feeling you describe about taking E. I feel like I could fall in love with the world.

    • Jenny Lee Silver

      September 7, 2000 at 11:14 am

      Heh… that’s the idea, exactly. If you can find this feeling without forcing it on yourself with drugs or something, that’s what the point is… at least, that’s what it is for me.