Why couldn’t I write something like this?
Oh yeah… I don’t write songs. Not since the first one I wrote in grade two was crushed by my stepfather, who told me after I sang it to him that I didn’t write that, I just stole it from someone. Not that I had spent 2 hours working on it in the back yard under the fall sky… and not that he could name the song I had apparently stolen… And there was later on, when I was practicing a song for the variety show in high school, and he walked in the room and said to me “the girl in the movie does that better than you.” Of course she does… production does that, you know. That wasn’t what popped into my head when he said it though… I was 16, I focussed on the fact that I wasn’t good enough, and I still feel that way. Two years or so ago, my older brother visited, and I showed him one of the three songs I had learned since picking up the guitar two months earlier – I sang Push by Matchbox 20. He told me that it sounded wrong with a girl singing it, and that he liked the album better. Not that I sounded at all good, not that he was impressed that I had taught myself something and he was proud, nothing of the sort… just that the cd sounded better.
I’ll never be good enough. I can’t write a song because I can’t escape the feeling that I’m stealing… I’m afraid to sing for someone because I’m always expecting to have them tell me that the person on the cd sounds so much better than me and I shouldn’t bother even trying.