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Why couldn’t I write something like this?

Oh yeah… I don’t write songs. Not since the first one I wrote in grade two was crushed by my stepfather, who told me after I sang it to him that I didn’t write that, I just stole it from someone. Not that I had spent 2 hours working on it in the back yard under the fall sky… and not that he could name the song I had apparently stolen… And there was later on, when I was practicing a song for the variety show in high school, and he walked in the room and said to me “the girl in the movie does that better than you.” Of course she does… production does that, you know. That wasn’t what popped into my head when he said it though… I was 16, I focussed on the fact that I wasn’t good enough, and I still feel that way. Two years or so ago, my older brother visited, and I showed him one of the three songs I had learned since picking up the guitar two months earlier – I sang Push by Matchbox 20. He told me that it sounded wrong with a girl singing it, and that he liked the album better. Not that I sounded at all good, not that he was impressed that I had taught myself something and he was proud, nothing of the sort… just that the cd sounded better.

I’ll never be good enough. I can’t write a song because I can’t escape the feeling that I’m stealing… I’m afraid to sing for someone because I’m always expecting to have them tell me that the person on the cd sounds so much better than me and I shouldn’t bother even trying.

7 Comments

  • jerronimo

    October 11, 2000 at 8:11 am

    JL, i think you have an amazing singing voice, and afaik, i’ve not heard your own songs (unless you played them when you were shoutcasting, in which case i have heard them. heh.)

    Personally, i think you have a gift for music. I could never dream of sounding like you do when you play… for one, i’m a guy. duh. 😉 Seriously though, I really do think you are very good.

    And for the record, i like your version of that BNL song _much_ better than the cd… it sounds right to hear a girl singing it, rather than a guy… Your version has feeling, his was straight, and flat. Just my opinion.

    And your “everybody hurts” that you played was stunning… of course, the explosions and such in the background made it more amusing.. but still. 😉

    And I love listening to “demons”, btw… Like i said, i love your singing voice… and i think you really have lots of potential there.. If you ever release anything with Adam Silver, let me know. I (as well as friends) will buy the cd.

  • cyn

    October 11, 2000 at 8:22 am

    do not allow others to mess up your life. they are not real. they are not in the room with you.

    live large! 🙂

    • Jenny Lee Silver

      October 11, 2000 at 8:31 am

      It doesn’t have anything to do with them… the feelings can just be traced back to that. That’s how it is.

  • peekaboo

    October 11, 2000 at 9:22 am

    sometimes people open their mouth and say mean things because they just can’t think of anything else to say. ignore them.

    i wish that you could see what a great person you are. i wish that you could realize that i, and cyn and all of the secret society think that you are wonderful.

    sing because you love it. we all know that you have talent.

  • mtbandit

    October 11, 2000 at 4:20 pm

    JennyLee: you ARE good enough. You’re just not asking the right people. People who obviously are not as affected by music as you are. People who don’t know music. People whose only interest is running you down whether it’s deserved or not.

    Fuck ’em. You don’t need them. Obviusly, “Stop thinking you’re not good enough” is not the answer you need to hear. But *raising a bottle of Mikes to you* here’s to eventually getting past these hurdles.

  • triggerhappy

    October 11, 2000 at 4:45 pm

    what everyone else has said and:
    ((((hugs))))

  • raviolios

    October 11, 2000 at 4:58 pm

    Jen, you rule! Your voice is awsome. I’m tone deaf, so I’m a little jealous even.

    {{{{{JennyLee}}}}}