I don’t have to spend my time wondering Why am I here on this planet… I’m too busy obsessing over why I’m here at this desk. Woke up feeling okay, headache kicked in as soon as I came into this building. I’m drinking a whole lot of water, hoping that fixes everything.

Suraklin (aka Jay) wants you to read this. He said it better than me. His not having a job wasn’t a financial problem. I was just jealous because I hate my job but I still have to go every day, but I can’t deal with being unemployed because it makes me depressed and apathetic. Although this job is reaching a point where I would rather be unemployed…

When I think about it, I’ve never really had time off since sometime back in High School – grade nine, I think. In grade ten I got a babysitting job, 5 days a week 8-6 basically. Same deal in grade 11. Grade twelve was spent working at a pizza place, then working at Kraft, and then I started college. When I was in college I had weekend jobs that never really paid for anything but food if I was lucky. After college I was unemployed but worked more than full-time hours volunteering because I knew if I did nothing I would probably end up dead in a ditch somewhere. Then I moved to Toronto and started working retail… that went on until November of 1999, when I got this job here, and I’ve only had one week off since that started.

People who can take a year off after college, or even a couple of months off, just to travel and do things and learn about themselves… I envy them. I’ve never stopped doing, because I needed to survive. I’ve wished many times that my doctor would rule me unable to work, just so I could take some time off… I can remember wishing I would be in some accident that would keep me from being able to work, and wishing that I really would just have a complete breakdown just so I could rest for a while. Kinda like when I was in high school, wishing that the school bus would go over the edge of the overpass onto the 401 some icy morning, and I would get hurt or killed and wouldn’t have to go to school anymore. I was such a morbid child… not that I told people about this, of couse… I did write up a story like that once, about how I would fall down the stairs, and the only person who would see me fall would be this boy I had a crush on, and he would find me there, incredibly hurt, and then I would die. I still have that lying around somewhere, I wrote it up in grade nine when I was 13 or so. I had messy handwriting even then. I think most teenagers feel that way at some point, or so all those psychology books tell me.

What am I rambling about?? Oh yeah… a break. Never had one in my adult life. Wouldn’t know how to deal with it if I did.

Today I feel like my goo globe thing… there’s a hole in it that oozes out the goo, but there a piece of tape over it for now… the goo is still oozing out, it’s just being a lot slower about it, and the tape will only hold for so long… and if anyone picks up the globe, there is a good chance that it will burst violently open and cover someone in goo.

Yep, that’s pretty much how I feel.

1 Comment

  • Anonymous

    November 4, 2000 at 2:11 pm

    time off … again

    yes, the irony. as I was saying (before my computer rudely crashed on me), I always envied the people who were brave enough and strong enough to go do the post secondary thing and the job thing right after high school. personally, I was EXHAUSTED! and after awhile, I used the premise of ‘finding myself’ as a way to hide my complete terror of jumping into the world blindly and with no experience.

    I think what I’m trying to say (in my own rambling and incoherent pattern) is that you seem to have worked really hard your whole life and you have earned my respect, as well as countless others. so yeah. good for you! *applause*