Yesterday I spent a bit of time looking over my journal entries from May – June. There’s a definite theme there… I didn’t much like my job then, either. I was treating it more as an interim thing than anything else, but I still didn’t know what it was interim to. That was when I was still digitizing. I was a lot more frustrated with Jay at the time, and I was desperate to move. It seems like everything has improved since then except for my job satisfaction. I don’t think I quite know what job satisfaction feels like… I felt it a couple of times in retail, when I sold something to someone that they absolutely wanted, needed, loved… you can tell when a musician has found bliss in purchasing his or her instrument. I know I spent the first month after I bought my guitar practically caressing it… I liked that feeling that I had helped someone be that happy spending money on themselves. But there were a lot of aspects of retail that I hated… the fact that my feet were always in pain, and that I was always tired, and that customers would get angry with me for things that I had no control over, and that I felt like I was selling my soul after a while… So retail isn’t what I liked, it was just the making people happy part that I liked.
I’m lost… I have to do stuff, but I have no real guidelines and I don’t know what to do. There’s an empty space that has been handed over to me, and I’ve been told to do whatever I want with that space… except that I can’t think of anything to do with it. If I haven’t been able to write in four months, how the hell can I create anything else??