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fneu.

Just got an email from my younger sister. She’s only near a computer every few weeks, so I don’t hear from her often. She says that her mother (my stepmother, aka the woman married to the ex-father,) wants to know if I want to come up and visit sometime soon. They’ll pay for it and give me a place to stay if I want it, yadda yadda yadda…

My stepmother wants the family to be fixed. I had a dream about going to visit them last week sometime, and it disturbed and upset me when I woke up. Just being in that house, even in a dream, really bothered me. And I don’t know what to tell my sister or brother if they ask me, “why don’t you want to see dad?” I don’t think it’s even about whether or not they can handle it… it’s about whether or not I can deal with telling them. Is it worth it? Is not telling them fair?

In no way, shape, or form do I even want to be in the same city that he’s in, let alone the same house. I’m not even angry anymore… I just don’t care, and I want nothing to do with someone who makes me feel that horrible just by thinking about him. He’s not worth it. I don’t miss him anymore, either. I realized that a little while ago. I sometimes miss what he might have represented had things gone differently, but I don’t miss him as a person. He was cut off years ago, and there’s no reason for me to “fix” anything just to make the stepmother happy.

If they’re so anxious for me to spend time with my brother and sister, why have they basically forbidden them to visit me in Toronto? Seems like a double standard to me…

5 Comments

  • ginamoog

    December 2, 2000 at 9:11 pm

    Wierd, we were just talking about this today!

    I say do what makes you happy, and don’t do anything out of feeling bad and obligation. Tough choice girl.

    • Jenny Lee Silver

      December 2, 2000 at 11:29 pm

      Yeah… it’s not about him, it’s about them… the brother & sister who still live with him. If I protect myself, they may well hate me for ignoring them. It’s frustrating.

  • triggerhappy

    December 2, 2000 at 9:44 pm

    {{hugs}}
    you could tell your sister that you’ll tell them when you’re ready and that you have your reasons. that this isn’t a whim.
    and that when they can/or are on their own they are more than welcome to come and see you.
    that you would like to, but can’t be where you father is.

    anyway, good luck, with whatever you decide in telling them.

    • Jenny Lee Silver

      December 2, 2000 at 11:30 pm

      I’ve told them that. I think my stepmother tells them other things, since I’ve never explained why I don’t want to see him. My brother thinks it’s because of some argument we had about a car once a few years ago – he asked me that once. I said that wasn’t it, but I didn’t elaborate. I’d like to tell them about it to their faces, not over the phone. And I would want it to be somewhere that I feel safe.

      • triggerhappy

        December 3, 2000 at 3:27 pm

        it should be something/somewhere that you feel safe.
        i hope that things will work out, but take care of yourself first.