I watched tv with mom for about fifteen minutes… Mash was on. I went to bed and decided to read for a while. I finished the book. I turned off the light. I was starting to fall asleep, everything was dark and quiet, until a thought jumped unbidden into my mind that woke me up and wouldn’t let me relax.
I started thinking about my passing out, and the fact that I still don’t feel great, and that I’m noticing the dizzy spells more than I used to. I started thinking negatively. I try not to do that, I try to look at all of this and just laugh, since there’s nothing I can do about it right now anyhow… but I got scared. I had a moment of panic. I thought to myself,
What if I don’t wake up in the morning? I’m not ready to not wake up yet…
I realize that it’s highly unlikely for me to not wake up tomorrow. And I don’t want to scare anyone reading this, because I don’t honestly believe that would happen…
but for just a moment, I felt the fear, I felt the panic, I felt the overwhelming desire to be, right here, right now… I don’t want to start over.
I’m not ready to not wake up tomorrow.
Now I have to return to trying to sleep. best of luck to me. *sigh*