I slept very poorly last night… I was in bed for a good 8 or nine hours, but I woke up a lot and I don’t think I ever really fell asleep properly. I’ve caught something, and now I’m sick. I have a sore throat and I’m sniffly and I feel like crud and I just want to be a pathetic little sicky-girl for a while, but I won’t. I’m still surrounded by the gaming crew, they’re playing Counterstrike again… I kicked Matt off my computer for a little while so I can catch up and stuff.
I’m kinda bored, there’s not really much going on online or offline. I could play CS if I wanted to, but I haven’t really played since July or so, so I’m a bit out of practice.
I wrote this in my paper journal while waiting for the plane that was late on Thursday night…
I had hoped, somehow, that taking time off and leaving Toronto would help me focus, help me figure out what I want. I didn’t really figure anything out. There’s a huge part of me that wants to go back to school and actually follow through with it for once. Funny, I don’t care much about anyone else not finishing school, but I feel as though I should finish it… that I don’t feel right about myself until I do.
* I have a high school diploma, but I took two different programs in college for three years, neither of which I got the diploma for – I failed one class in my Music Production course, had a nervous breakdown, never bothered to even read over the outline of the final project for this one class, never showed up for the final practical, couldn’t deal with any of it. That’s why I didn’t get the diploma, even though I passed everything else that year.
I want to go back to school, but I don’t know what to study. I just feel like this time I could deal with it. I don’t know for sure if I could, but I won’t know at all if I don’t try. But I still don’t know what to study. Photography maybe? Writing? Computer Stuff? I just don’t know. Maybe I should stick with working and take some night courses. I just don’t know about work anymore… and of course, if my health becomes an issue with this passing out thing, that may come into play too. There’s still so much to think about… too much to figure out today. and when I get home, it’s LAN party time, so we’re having houseguests pretty much from the moment I get home. I don’t think that will give me much time to think before I go back to work monday. I’m not looking forward to that.
So yeah… that’s what I wrote at gate C41 in Vancouver waiting for the plane, everything but the bit in italics which I added to clarify stuff.
Still no answers. I hate it. I feel foggy. And it doesn’t help that I’m sick.