Untitled

I’m sure most people will just skip over this… it’s one of those annoying long posts that no one reads anyway. But here it is anyhow.

Not who I want to be…

Who I am right now is not who I want to be. I’ve known this for quite a while, but I haven’t figured out what to do about it. If I am not yet who I want to be, why aren’t I? What do I want to change, add, take away? And what do I want to keep of myself? While I am not shattered as I once was, I am certainly not on the path I want to be on.

I have been sick for the past ten days. It has given me a lot of time to think, a lot of time to myself, but I’ve been avoiding really thinking about anything important, like what I want or need to be happier with myself.

I’ve had a lot of advice on my life from different people. The management at work believes that quitting is a cop-out, it’s giving up on myself and a good opportunity. Close friends and people who have read my public journal tell me that I already know the answer, that I should just quit and take care of myself, figure myself out, far away from a workplace that I seem to find soul-sucking.

And yte, here I am undecided. I’ve been away from work for three weeks now – two weeks vacation, one week sick. I haven’t figured out yet what I really want to do for myself. I feel as lost as I felt before I left work.

All I’ve figured out is that I’m not who I want to be. The question now is, who do I want to be?

I want to be me, basically
I want to be happy
I want to be well
I want to be trusted
I want to help
I want to feel, absolutely and honestly
I want to be able to cry
I want to break down
I want to rise from my own ashes, aflame
I want to shine
I want to prove to myself that I can
I want to follow through
I want to let go of guilt
I want to be someone that people to seek out my company
I want to be alone
I want to create
I want to feel free
I want to be taken care of
I want to see inside myself clearly
I want to know what to say
I want to write
I want to take pictures
I want to have an impact
I want to be memorable
I want to be interesting
I want to be seen as internally beautiful
I want to show the world my inner self
I want to let go
I want to evolve and change
I want to not feel the need to want because I already have
I want my words to paint pictures
I want to hope
I want to feel passionate about what I do
I want to be colourful
I want to live, instead of just exist
I want to inspire
I want to be inspired
I want to be asked for my skills
I want to feel useful
I want to be someone people ask after
I want to be memorable
I want to sing
I want to dance with children
I want to teach
I want to learn
I want to understand
I want to know
I want to make music
I want to make music that makes people feel and know and understand
I want to be intense
I want to be fulfilled
I want to feel joy
I want to allow myself to be not okay sometimes
I want to ask questions
I want to be asked questions
I want to be a good example
I want to be proud of myself
I want to know what I want
I want to be interesting
I want to keep learning
I want to give without guilt
I want to take without guilt
I want to be held
I want to hold
I want to feel and know inner balance
I want to trust myself and my instincts
I want to surrender to my own wishes
I want to make mistakes
I want to feel good about my mistakes

Some of these things I already am, or already do. Some of them I only do or am sometimes. Some of them, I realize that there is far to go before I get there, and some are within reach. There are certainly some I’ve left off this list, either forgotten or not currently on my mind, and some have been repeated. This was a stream of consciousness sort of writing, after all. All of this is subject to change without notice. My goals may change, my wants, wishes and desires may turn out to be not what I really wanted or needed in the end. Everything changes. This is how things should be.

4 Comments

  • chicagorose

    December 17, 2000 at 4:02 pm

    JL.

    Follow your heart, not your head. At this point in your life, it will be right more often than not.

    ~:hugs:~

    R

    • Jenny Lee Silver

      December 17, 2000 at 4:06 pm

      Nothing is clear. And it changes every time I think about it.

  • cyn

    December 17, 2000 at 5:55 pm

    everything does change. life is a messy place.

    but you are an incredible person. in your incredible life, you are bound to have ups and downs and weird bits. just consider this a heady trippy weird bit on your way to greatness 🙂

    {{{{{{{{{{{{jennylee}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

    as sappy as this may sound, i believe in you.

  • scottobear

    December 18, 2000 at 8:00 am

    something you are…

    is cared about, and I have a great deal of confidence that you can achieve your goals, whatever they may be.

    *hug*

    good luck!