It was cold out tonight. I left Sneaky Dee’s before 1am, and stood outside waiting for a streetcar. I caught that one, and took it down to Queen street, where it was typically bright and alive (as it generally tends to be at that time of night… if I hadn’t seen a knife fight in broad daylight on that corner, I’d probably not feel the least bit nervous at that corner. Oh, and that massive purple club just makes me nervous. A building just should not be that colour.

Anyhow, I waited at that corner for a little while. I wandered out into the street to see if the streetcar was at all in sight. It wasn’t, of course. What was in sight, however, was an impressive number of siren-lights… the ones on top of police cars. I waited some more, and an ambulance went by me towards those lights. I waited some more (by this time I could no longer feel my feet,) and watched as more spinny lights appeared to my west. West was where the streetcar was supposed to be coming from. West was where nothing seemed to be moving except for spinning sirens.

A cab pulled up to the curb next to me and suggested that maybe I should walk back up to Dundas and catch a car there. The only catch with that is that the only streetcar that can get me home is the Queen one, especially at night when mainlines are running but side routes aren’t. I pondered for a moment, then hopped into the back of the cab and said to him “you’ll have to stop at a bank machine for me, and I’m going to the beaches. East. Far.”

The fare only ended up being $14 this time (last time it was 17$) so I gave him $15 and left it at that. I’ve been home a little while now, and my feet still haven’t thawed. I’m chilled. Winter sucks.

Oh, and the show! Of course, the show. Well, I did Break Your Heart with Ian doing guitar. He is a FAR better guitar player than I am, and he loves that song as much as I do, which is rare… it’s one of my all-time favourite songs. I thought that went extremely well, I was happy with it anyhow. Then Adam came up and we did Demons, although the keyboard was a bit weird, I still think it went well. I couldn’t convince Bryan to come up and play for me, but he asked me to play Surrender (a song of his) which I can sort of hack through on guitar. I did fine until I forgot the third verse, but no one was listening except Adam, Bryan, and Ben… Hooray to Ben for coming out to see me!

I must practice more. I must learn guitar better. Or I must find someone to play guitar for me. I would rather that… it felt best when I was just singing and Ian was playing. Hiding behind the guitar is all well and good, except that it’s not very effective when you’re a crap-ass guitar player. (preface to all my guitar performances… “I’m not a guitar player, I just pretend to be.”)

The comedian that they had up last week was on again this week, as was a guy from the band Jughead (they’re a fun band, I saw them live in college I think.) The Jughead guy was pretty cool, I loved his song about the Arctic Fucking Wind. The comedian was testing out new material on the openstage crowd, but much of it wasn’t really great (the problem with testing new material… it doesn’t always work…) and the crowd wasn’t totally into it. They (much like me) just wanted to get up and perform, or listen to music. I attempted patience.

I am cold. As soon as I warm my feet up, I’m off to bed. Jay told me that he intends to go in to work ultra-early tomorrow morning… I don’t think I’ll be getting up with him.

Needed: One guitar player that I can work with. I’m too picky for my own good, though… I just want them to play everything I can sing, and I want them to be amazingly good at it, and it would rock if they could sing harmonies. It’s been so long since I sang harmony on anything… It feels great when two voices mesh and complement each other, though.


  • antiwesley

    February 12, 2001 at 12:16 am

    You know what??

    Whenever I read your postings, I have this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I’ve lost something…

    I used to love performing, I’ve done it both as a singer, and as an actor…
    I just don’t do it anymore… when I do do it, I still get the rush, that feeling of “Everybody in the place is listening to me!” and then, when I’m done, I always get tons of applause, as I am good.

    But not anymore. The silence is deafening.
    I’m empty inside, and I don’t know if I can fill that void again.

    I wish I had the drive like you did, JL…
    I might get off my ass and do something about it…
    But, like all other things, I just don’t care anymore. Food and sleep seem to be the only things on my mind nowadays.

    So, you inspire me, JennyLee, I just don’t have the energy or drive to do something about it anymore.

    • Jenny Lee Silver

      February 12, 2001 at 1:30 am

      Re: You know what??

      I have drive?? Damn, it took off without me again…

      I have no clue what I want to do with my life… but I like singing. I wouldn’t say I’m driven by it, I’m not really driven by anything… I’m doing this because I never have before, and I wanted to try it, and I’ve discovered I liked it. People with drive start bands and write songs and learn to play more than four chords on the guitar… I just do what’s fun.

      • antiwesley

        February 12, 2001 at 2:18 am

        Re: You know what??

        That’s the whole point..
        That’s why you inspire me..
        everything is sooo serious nowadays, I don’t play like I used to… and performing was part of the playing…

        Sure, I have responsibilities, and I try to meet them all the time… the point was, you’re out there living that fun…
        I’m sitting here at home wishing I was up there singing with you…
        (and if I were up there, you’d bet I would be..)
        It’s not that I lack the skill, I lack the ambition, the ‘drive’ to go out and do it…

        Food and sleep are all I think about these days.