Breaking up… it’s complicated

I figured people would rather be there for Jay to talk to, since all he talked about for a few days was how he had no one to talk to at all, and how it was my fault. To some extent maybe it was, in that I needed that place to sort out my thoughts and vent in relative (later proved false) safety, but it was his own fault too. He needed to build relationships, not expect them to be there when he needed them…

Those who backed away from me when all this blew up (and it was basically almost everyone) I don’t blame for it. It’s my own fault, that much I know. I never wanted to make sides the way I’ve been accused of doing… I just wanted somewhere to be able to sort my thoughts out before I dealt with them.

There were a couple of specific people I was referring to in that post. One of them, I don’t know who it was. The other just doesn’t seem to get it. The rest of it was general feelings about everyone I know, and everyone I trusted.

If avoiding me or distancing yourself is what you need to do, then do so. The last thing I want to do is make you uncomfortable. I’m not comfortable in #talon anymore, it’s not my place, and the writing I did for the Talon project was crap anyhow. All of my writing has been crap since last summer.

This has been building up for more than a year now. It would have happened eventually anyhow. It was reaching that point without the influence of ANYONE besides myself, contrary to what some people have said. It’s almost degrading to me to think that people believe I only left because of the influence of other people… as if I couldn’t possibly come to that sort of decision without someone tainting my thoughts.

I knew what was happening, I also knew the only way to make it any better was to remove myself from the situation. That was honestly the best thing I could do for both of us. He doesn’t see it that way, maybe he never will, but I know what I have to do, and I’ve been delaying it far too long. He may not know it, but both of us are much better off apart than together right now. If we start something over again, we start from scratch… and it may be a long time before I’m able to consider that, if at all.

Maybe I’ve rambled too much. Not having the journal to write how I really feel in anymore makes it really difficult to get a lot of my feelings sorted out. I could still write in it, but Jay keeps asking me to see them, and I still don’t want to show him. It’s that trust thing again. *sigh*