All I ever wanted, all I ever needed was here in my arms

Now I wait again. There is a lot of waiting happening in my life. I’m in between.

I get tired of starting over. I’m back at the beginning again. Moreso even than last time, since now I have none of the things that you need to start a home with, like dishes and a table and chairs and a couch and bookshelves… all the things that I’ve had to buy for myself over and over again. Little things like coat hangers, towels, dish towels, a dishrack… All the things you take for granted when you have them.

It’s my own fault, I know. I’m the one who leaves. I’m the one who feels so guilty that I feel obligated to leave things behind. I put myself here. I won’t have the money to replenish this stuff for a while, but I can accept that. I have plans and ideas.

That doesn’t make it any less frustrating to have to be starting over yet again. This is the fourth time. I’m going to get it right this time. I have to, or I’ll follow my brother’s lead and jump off a bridge. (no, he didn’t die, he just has strange coping mechanisms for life.)

Other than a couple of minor things, I’m basically pretty happy with life. And I’m trying to work on the things I’m not happy with. Starting over again…

words are very unnecessary, they can only do harm…

12 Comments

  • jerronimo

    June 27, 2001 at 7:27 am

    would you like a set of silverware?

  • cyn

    June 27, 2001 at 7:43 am

    Go take back anything that you paid for, and want. That is perfectly within your rights.

    You give too much Jen – stand up for yourself!

  • johnboze

    June 27, 2001 at 8:11 am

    I’m right there with you. I tried to take at least most of what I paid for, but the whole marriage thing makes that a bit murky too.

    The only thing I actually feel bad about though, is the new washing machine we bought, that is still on my Sears card…

    • Jenny Lee Silver

      June 27, 2001 at 8:17 am

      Heh… for a little while I felt bad about the playstation 2, but I don’t now… it was always more his, even though we both bought it together and it was insanely expensive. Still, I don’t want it, I don’t claim it, it’s not important to me. And it’s not that the other ‘stuff’ is important to me either, for the most part… it’s just that life would be far simpler if I didn’t have to buy it all over again. Feels like running in circles to me…

  • laquira

    June 27, 2001 at 8:23 am

    Sometimes a completely FRESH start is good. A blank slate.. nothing written on it to be erased at some later time…new and clean.
    Garage Sales & Canadian Tire are AWESOME for picking up cheap(ish) stuff for furnishings…

    Just, whatever you do… DO NOT pick up that couch you see lying on the side of the road, something could very well be living in in!

    • Jenny Lee Silver

      June 27, 2001 at 8:25 am

      Well, if you hold your breath long enough, you don’t really notice the smell anymore…..

      and it’d be entertainment for the cats! *grin*

  • highlearn

    June 27, 2001 at 8:24 am

    Life needs a built in buy-time, and a convient buy-menu.

    • Jenny Lee Silver

      June 27, 2001 at 8:26 am

      Indeed. And money for every kill you make and hostage you save…

      • highlearn

        June 27, 2001 at 9:01 am

        and bomb plantings. can’t forget the bomb plantings.

        • Jenny Lee Silver

          June 27, 2001 at 10:12 am

          Oh yeah… definitely vital. I like blowing things up…

          • ex_oki86

            July 1, 2001 at 3:41 am

            What about escaping? Escaping is good too.