Spending too much time this evening thinking of the things that I don’t have, without actually coming up with a plan to get them… the important ones. No, I’m not talking about possessions, things you have to buy, things that we sometimes think we need to feel successful… That’s not what I’m thinking about at all.
This is more vague than that. It’s not quite real, it’s something I can’t put into words, as my flair for those has evaporated.
Have I ever been truly and completely happy about my life? Has anyone? I told myself years ago that I believed life was about happiness… and yet I don’t know how to attain it. Nothing works out exactly the way I expect it to, and I’ve made more mistakes than I care to count or list.
I need some perspective. I feel as though I’ve been dropped in the middle of a lake and left to tread water and decide which way I want to go from there… except that I can’t see the shores through the fog, and when you’re at the same level as the water itself, everything looks much farther away than when you’re looking at it from above. Treading water is easy, and it doesn’t take that much effort, but I’ve never been a very good swimmer – I always had to teach myself how. Swimming tires me out, and I can’t swim as quickly as people I see around me – I keep stopping and treading water, trying to figure out what way I’m going, trying not to look at how much further there is to go.
Wishes, dreams, hopes… what do any of these matter? Why don’t I just give up on it all of it and take a good, steady factory job or lifetime retail or office position? Why don’t I just let myself burn out, let myself wallow in that depression that comes with being in a tedious, repetetive job? People keep telling me that I shouldn’t let it get to me, that I should just detach myself from my work and use it as a means to an end, but I can’t do it. Too many moments where I want to cut myself just to alleviate the hopeless feeling I get. Rest assured that I don’t, but I do replace it with other things… picking at my face, tearing my fingernails apart, chewing on the inside of my lip until it bleeds.
Maybe I’m just not cut out for life. Apparently everything that everyone else finds so simple is too hard for me to grasp.
she takes, just like a woman
she makes love, just like a woman
she aches just like a woman
but she breaks just like a little girl…