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Spending too much time this evening thinking of the things that I don’t have, without actually coming up with a plan to get them… the important ones. No, I’m not talking about possessions, things you have to buy, things that we sometimes think we need to feel successful… That’s not what I’m thinking about at all.

This is more vague than that. It’s not quite real, it’s something I can’t put into words, as my flair for those has evaporated.

Have I ever been truly and completely happy about my life? Has anyone? I told myself years ago that I believed life was about happiness… and yet I don’t know how to attain it. Nothing works out exactly the way I expect it to, and I’ve made more mistakes than I care to count or list.

I need some perspective. I feel as though I’ve been dropped in the middle of a lake and left to tread water and decide which way I want to go from there… except that I can’t see the shores through the fog, and when you’re at the same level as the water itself, everything looks much farther away than when you’re looking at it from above. Treading water is easy, and it doesn’t take that much effort, but I’ve never been a very good swimmer – I always had to teach myself how. Swimming tires me out, and I can’t swim as quickly as people I see around me – I keep stopping and treading water, trying to figure out what way I’m going, trying not to look at how much further there is to go.

Wishes, dreams, hopes… what do any of these matter? Why don’t I just give up on it all of it and take a good, steady factory job or lifetime retail or office position? Why don’t I just let myself burn out, let myself wallow in that depression that comes with being in a tedious, repetetive job? People keep telling me that I shouldn’t let it get to me, that I should just detach myself from my work and use it as a means to an end, but I can’t do it. Too many moments where I want to cut myself just to alleviate the hopeless feeling I get. Rest assured that I don’t, but I do replace it with other things… picking at my face, tearing my fingernails apart, chewing on the inside of my lip until it bleeds.

Maybe I’m just not cut out for life. Apparently everything that everyone else finds so simple is too hard for me to grasp.

she takes, just like a woman
she makes love, just like a woman
she aches just like a woman
but she breaks just like a little girl…

11 Comments

  • suraklin

    August 19, 2001 at 4:46 pm

    Who said life was about happiness? You saw the movie. 😉

    • Jenny Lee Silver

      August 19, 2001 at 4:48 pm

      Even that, in its own warped and unhealthy way, was about happiness… 😛

      • suraklin

        August 19, 2001 at 4:52 pm

        I’m more of the opinion that life is about learning. Happiness is just a side effect now and then and, like most good things, it’s addictive.

        Always trying to get our next fix…

  • jerronimo

    August 19, 2001 at 5:16 pm

    /me throws you a pool noodle to make treading easier.

    • scasey1960

      August 19, 2001 at 11:57 pm

      Jerry, jerry, jerry

      You are quite the card (I hate to admit). Exactly what makes you tick?

      • jerronimo

        August 20, 2001 at 7:11 am

        Re: Jerry, jerry, jerry

        fuel cells.

        😉

        • Jenny Lee Silver

          August 20, 2001 at 7:13 am

          Re: Jerry, jerry, jerry

          The ones that can power a house?

          • jerronimo

            August 20, 2001 at 7:22 am

            Re: Jerry, jerry, jerry

            the same.

    • Jenny Lee Silver

      August 20, 2001 at 6:40 am

      Well, can I get the bright green one that matches my bathing suit and attracts damselflies, then? 😉

      • jerronimo

        August 20, 2001 at 7:10 am

        of course, :]

  • scasey1960

    August 20, 2001 at 12:14 am

    Aside for the pool noodle ….

    Jerry is close to correct – albeit somewhat cryptic.

    You can only go with the flow – follow your heart. If you do what you do not love, you will never be happy. Life is swiming, treading water, sometimes going up stream, and sometimes going down stream. You can have some idea where you want to go, but you may find yourself re-planning your trip to account for unexpected currents.

    There are eddies and tide pools. And sometimes, when you think you are going to drown, you reach down – and surprise – you can actually touch bottom – and – it’s not as bad as your thought. Life has a definite begining and a definite end. In between – it’s all up to you. Probably the only thing you really have control over is your ‘reaction’ to the events around you – both mental and physical reactions.

    My advice is 1)work to simplify your life, 2) develop a routine which emphasizes ‘what is important’ to you, and 3) focus on the journey – ‘enjoy the ride’. Follow your dreams – work to make them a reality. No other creature on earth can do this – we spin straw into gold – it is our special gift.

    After all this – if you still have a problem with depression – then try to get some medication. It really does help – but that is another whole topic. When everything looks bad (and it’s going to hell in a hand basket) – before you do anything else – always reach out for help. We’re here to help, to make life bearable and keep you company – always.

    Right Jerry?

    😉