And today is yet another day from hell. Mostly.

It ended well, though… got to see the Jay & Silent Bob movie with the pass I got from Thursday’s movie being cancelled.

The rest of the day, though….

Yes, I left a few minutes later than I intended to, however I still had given myself plenty of time to get downtown and catch the GO train to Oakville. Except that I forgot to take into account the fact that on weekends lately in my neighbourhood, they’ve been replacing the streetcars with buses. Now, I’ve never figured out exactly why, but generally streetcars run faster and more often than buses do – even when the buses are being scheduled to replace streetcars.

I saw one bus pull away, and thought, “Well, it’ll be another at least five minutes for the next one, more likely ten, so I’m going to get some cash out in advance.” To the cash machine I go. The machine doesn’t give me a printout, which annoyed me, but waasn’t a big deal. Three minutes have passed… and another bus goes by. Apparently scheduling doesn’t apply when buses are running streetcar lines.

So I go stand by the stop, thinking that I could take the southbound bus to the other GO station, but that bus is going to the Exhibition, which is just a madhouse right now… so I decide against it, just as that bus goes by. I couldn’t have caught it if I wanted to anyhow.

Then I stand and wait… and wait… and wait… and there’s no sign of the bus.

Some time later, it arrives and I make my way towards the subway station. I realize at this point that I’m probably running behind schedule. Great.

Get to Union station, buy my GO ticket, and the nice ticket agent says, “Oh, you just missed that one by two minutes. The next one is in an hour.”


I sit and wait in Union station. And I wait some more. I’m fighting this overwhelming despairing feeling that everything is going completely wrong and I should probably go home, crawl into bed, and cry. Oh how I wanted to cry.

The hour passes, and the train will be leaving in ten minutes. It’s then that I realize I have no idea what to do exactly with this blank piece of paper the ticket guy gave me. Panic attack strikes… my nearly-crying feeling degenerates to water in eyes fighting back letting go as my heart goes insane and I feel a tightening in my chest and stomach… I have no idea what to do.

I finally get myself together enough to ask someone what to do. She shows me the ticket stamping machine thing, I stamp my ticket, run back up to the platform, and hop on the train. It leaves moments after I find my seat. I’m stressed, but try to just breathe normal and get rid of the panic attack feeling. No one sits next to me, for which I am eternally grateful.

I look at the map of where the GO train takes you. There is a stop for Oakville, but for some reason I had thought there were two. I stared at them a while, then finally asked people who were getting off at the Oakville stop if there was another… they told me that Bronte was Oakville too. I knew I needed the Bronte stop.

For future reference for those going in to Oakville – Bronte GO station is in the middle of nowhere. Tumbleweeds blow through the parking lot. There appears to be a bus stop for Oakville transit nearby, but it seems desolate and abandoned. I walk around looking lost a few minutes before walking up to the only other living being nearby – the ticket attendant.

I ask her if she knows where Shell park is, and how I could get there. She says that the only way there is to take a cab. Splendid, I think. I can certainly afford a cab right now.

So she calls me a cab. The driver is nice, and chatting with him is pleasant. I get to the park I’m going to, only to hear that the event I was going to is in finals. There are two finalists. They have 45 seconds to show off for the judges.

So basically, I got to watch 45 seconds worth of the event I was there to see.

I still took a roll of photos. No idea if any of them will be of any use, since I missed what I was actually there to photograph. Which naturally means I likely won’t get reimbursed for any of it. And then I had to take a cab back to the GO station, which was another 12$. It was a total expenditure in travel of 34$, cost of film was another 10$, and the processing will be another 10$. That’s 54$ that I could definitely not afford to spend right now.

So on the way back in to Toronto on the Return GO train, I had another panic attack. There I was, completely alone in the middle of nowhere, having spent a lot of money for absolutely nothing… because I told myself over and over again that if I didn’t follow through with it, then it would be like I was giving up on myself.

Maybe I turned it into more than it had to be. Maybe I should’ve just gone with my instincts and stayed home. After two panic attacks and practically breaking down crying on a train full of people going to the Ex, I couldn’t deal with any of it anymore. I got home and just sort of mentally collapsed and waited for the phone to ring. Something had to change, I had to get out before I started breaking things. I was so on edge that I couldn’t eat.

And then it occurred to me that I didn’t get my hours in to the agency from this week. And I don’t have a supervisor’s signature for them. And I don’t know how to deal with any of this, since it may well turn into some sort of confrontation, and I’m definitely not emotionally equipped to deal with that right now on top of everything else…

I would really like this week to be over now. I’ve had enough please. I’m only holding together through sheer will, and that’s getting pretty thin.

But tonight I got to go out and see the Jay & Silent Bob movie. I laughed. It was good. Now back to reality. I’m not panicking yet. I haven’t fallen apart yet. But I think tonight I may have to cry myself to sleep or something. I get tired of trying to hold myself together.