I was thinking today about how I seem to never say goodbye to the people I lose, or the ones I leave behind. Like when I left high school and went on to college. I can’t remember every saying goodbye to Heather or Marilyn… I vaguely remember promises to keep in touch, and the intention of following through on them. It never happened though. I never was good at maintaining friendships. The same happened with Rachel after she moved to BC, with Sarah when I moved away from London, with friends I’ve made and lost touch with right here in Toronto. The whole thing leaves me feeling open-ended about my relationships, as though any day now these people could suddenly just re-appear and become a major part of my life again. If Heather were here, we would watch movies and laugh and be crazy again. If I could spend time with Rachel, we would become close friends again and share everything the way that only girlfriends ever seem to.
And it happens with online friends, too. We don’t talk as much. We stop talking altogether. We see each other online in chatrooms and say hello, but nothing more than that… no more conversations well into the morning when we should be sleeping, no more baring of the soul when we need a virtual ear. And even though I know better, I get insecure and start to think that people don’t really want to talk to me anyhow. It really isn’t all about me.
Sometimes it’s a particular thing that happens – a misunderstanding, a falling-out, a difference of direction, because we all move at a different speed and in infinite directions. That’s not so bad, really – it doesn’t feel so unfinished. That’s more like the natural progression of a relationship, not this sort of open-ended I wonder where they are feeling, and this knowledge that there’s a piece missing until I find out where the people I’ve lost are. I guess that means I think it’s time to start looking… one piece at a time.