Untitled

Sometimes I sincerely dislike the way my mind works, because I know it’s being stupid about things.

Take, for instance, philosophical movies like Waking Life, which I watched with Adam the other day. It was a great movie. It makes you think. I enjoyed it, I want to buy it and watch it again.

On the other hand, after having watched it, I felt stupid. I didn’t understand a lot of it. My mind wouldn’t process some of the things that they were saying (this is a seriously dialogue-intensive film.) When it was over, I was exceptionally quiet… if Jordy or Shawn or any number of other people were here, they would’ve been talking to Adam about their thoughts on the film, about what they think was going on and that sort of thing. I can’t do that. I didn’t do it with Donnie Darko either, and it was the same sort of movie. I can’t discuss movies with people, I can’t tell them what I think about it, and it makes me feel like I’m that way because I don’t have any thoughts about it at all. The problem is, I have feelings, but they don’t translate to language, and I don’t even have the confidence to contribute to a discussion going on around me about it… because I can’t think of anything relevant to say about it. And then I feel stupid, like I’m just pretending to be smart enough to get these movies when really I’m not that intelligent. By that point, I feel brutally inadequate and start questioning people’s motives for spending time with me. Why would someone want to see a movie like that with me, when I can’t even talk about it afterwards? And, in an extension of that, why would they want to spend time with me at all? I start to think that, at some point, they’re going to realize I’m not that interesting a person and they’re going to stop wanting to see movies like that with me, or talk about anything of depth with me, because I never have anything to say about it.

And then there’s the times when I do say something, and the moment after I’ve said it I realize that it’s an incredibly stupid and/or pointless thing to say that only shows just how clueless I really am. And then it occurs to me that it’s no wonder I don’t get invited out anywhere anymore.

Insecure much? I hate the feeling that I’m so completely out of my league all the time, but I can’t just suddenly be smarter.

So really, the whole thought process is stupid, but it bugs me every single time I’m watching a conversation like that from the outside simply because I can’t think of a single intelligent thing to add. I can’t help but feel boring and inadequate, and I can’t escape the sinking feeling that I’m just a pretender, like that kid who tries to be cool but never quite manages it and everyone knows it.

this post has been formatted for anti-platitudism