My mind is about as calm and serene as the thunderstorm that’s threatening to break just barely to the north of where I sit. I’ve survived this much of my life by not thinking about long term plans, hopes, ambitions… but that can’t go on forever, and things are slowly changing.
Today, though, I feel torn. I can’t really describe it exactly, it’s just a combination of the apartment application process and trying to hope for a place, on top of hoping that my job stays stable (or becomes more so,) and hoping that Adam gets more stable work, and hoping that we can afford to pay our rent once we’ve got a cheaper place to live… All of this combines into a massive storm in my head that makes me ache with the pressure. Too many maybes, too much depending on hopes, and balanced against a long-term future that I don’t quite know how to look at or deal with.
And today I’m alone in the office with lots of opportunity to wonder whether this is going to last, or if it, like everything else I’ve done, will drift away in the wind. I don’t think my boss knows what he’s getting into by asking me what I see myself doing here at the company a year from now. Hell, this time last year I was at WorldCom, hating every second of it and wondering if I should try to get a real job there instead of a temp placement. This time two years ago I was a Project Co-ordinator at an online music database company, whatever that means. And three years ago I sold guitar strings to 12 year olds with stars in their eyes. Don’t ask me where I think I’ll be… I’m the least qualified to tell you. I do know, however, that if none of this works out, I’m quite probably done with this place, and potentially the industry.
The sky is darkening pretty seriously out my window now. I think the storm’s about to break.