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Watched most of a strange movie tonight… The Contenders, Series 7. I am beyond words to describe it… somehow hilarious and brutally disturbing all at once.

I most definitely do not handle boredom well or easily. It makes my head hurt and my body ache and it makes me feel useless and insignificant. My awareness of this fact doesn’t make it any easier to deal with, and hasn’t helped provide me with any methods to make things easier on myself. I just try and get through it when it hits me hard. I think it’s hard on Adam, too. He doesn’t like to see me all unhappy, frustrated, and helpless, but he doesn’t know any ways to make it any better either, so he feels helpless and frustrated. It’s all quite frustrating.

I started reading the Terry Goodkind books to pass the time. The first one is good so far.

I want a big change to happen. I just don’t know how to make it happen.

8 Comments

  • cyn

    March 26, 2003 at 6:17 am

    jennylee, please know that i say this only in kindness and awareness….

    you’ve been “bored” since i met you. it’s the most comment theme in your journal. you’ve been looking for something for years… perhaps it’s time to just grab something – anything – and run with it? fight the boredom! live large!

    • Jenny Lee Silver

      March 26, 2003 at 10:33 am

      Heh. I’ve actually been bored my entire life. That has never changed. Unfortunately, the things I would like to be doing require money that I don’t have, and at this point can’t even vaguely imagine having. I’ve been living below the poverty line since January of 2001. It’s nearly impossible to make any changes without having any sort of income… it’s just too hard to do anything when you can’t find enough money to pay the rent.

      At least here I don’t have to pay rent and buy food. Unfortunately, I had to give up a lot to do it. I thought coming up here would help change things, help me get back up on my feet and be able to go out and do something that means something to me. Unfortunately, nothing’s really changed except the fact that I feel like a burden to these people who’ve been paying my way for the past year. It just feels like I’m in a hole so deep the sun won’t shine down here, and I don’t know how to get myself out of it.

      I’m completely responsible for making changes in my life. I just don’t know how to go about it without any resources at my disposal. It would be a wonderful world if I didn’t have to worry about my debts, bills, and finding enough food to live on.

      For the past two years I’ve been completely focussed on getting back to school. Now I’m not even in the city where the school I want is. I feel like I’m getting farther and farther away from the only thing I’ve ever really felt like I chose and wanted in my life, the only thing that hasn’t been a default decision in my career. I know that it’s not completely hopeless, but I don’t always feel that way, and even when I have a lot of time on my hands to think about things I still can’t come up with any solutions to my problem. For a little while there, I nearly had a couple of jobs up here, but nothing came of them. People have been telling me for five years (and I’ve been telling myself for longer) that if I’m just patient, things will work out for me, things will change and I’ll feel like I’m actually on track for the first time ever. Maybe I’m not patient enough. Things aren’t going any better for me in that sense. I feel guilty that my boyfriend’s parents are buying me food and letting me live in their house, and I feel like I’m fifteen again most of the time, and I feel like it’s not accomplishing anything useful to be in the middle of nowhere with (still) no income and nothing looking like it’s going to change.

      It’s the same as ever, and the only way out of it that I can fathom is to find lots of money. I’d give a lot to go back to school when I’m actually interested in what I’m studying, when I’m not just there by default. The thing is, I don’t feel like I’ve got anything of value I can give, and I don’t know how to change that. I’ve been trying to get work up here, to take advantage of the lack of rent and food expenses, but there’s nothing here. It’s no wonder the youth of this place leave as soon as they can… there’s nothing that helps them stay.

      • cyn

        March 27, 2003 at 12:01 pm

        the library is free. paper and pens are cheap.
        find a project and work hard at it. the guilt will fade and the inspiration will come.

        • Jenny Lee Silver

          March 27, 2003 at 4:21 pm

          No shortage of books here. All of Adam’s brothers books are here, which is a pretty serious collection. And I’m still writing. That’s not the problem.

          I tried for a bit to get involved with the Artists co-op project that artists up here are putting together. It pretty much all fell apart, though, and the girl who was running it is going away for two months. And technically, I’m not an artist like the rest of the people in the group are, so I never really had much to contribute.

          My current project is running a boarding kennel for the summer. Not really something I’m interested in doing, and certainly nothing artistically satisfying about it, but it’ll keep me busy. And maybe I’ll make a little money, if there are any customers.

          Anyhow. I’m looking for a project. And the game design project was going really well until we realized that none of us could do any of the programming, so it has to be put off for a couple of years. The other projects I’ve done have been time-wasters, short term things that don’t accomplish anything (like my photography portfolio… yes, I now have a book with pictures in it, and absolutely nothing I can do with it. It looks nice and I’m proud of it, but it was a one-day project thats’ done now.) So I’m going to garden. I’m still taking pictures, but I haven’t got anything developed since December. So I’m doing lots of little make-work projects that feel exactly like make-work projects. I haven’t come up with anything major that’s worth pursuing as an individual project on my own yet. I’m trying… I really am. I’m just better at working on someone else’s ideas than my own. I have no conviction for my own ideas, on the rare occasion that I have them.

          I am trying, though. I just get frustrated and very lonely.

  • stonedragon

    March 26, 2003 at 9:53 am

    Terry Goodkind…

    Are you reading ‘Wizard’s First Rule’? I loved that book… but man, the series goes on forever!

    • Jenny Lee Silver

      March 26, 2003 at 10:34 am

      Re: Terry Goodkind…

      Yes, that’s the one. I think they’ve got all the books here from that series, so I started it. Maybe it’ll keep me busy.

      • stonedragon

        March 26, 2003 at 10:47 am

        Re: Terry Goodkind…

        A warning: This series can get a bit graphic – violently and sexually.

  • antiwesley

    March 26, 2003 at 12:57 pm

    I’m in the middle of “Stone of Tears” the second book, and yes, I agree it’s quite good.
    Actually, I can give it high praise as fantasy normally bores me and I never ever get past a
    few pages before I can’t read it for boredom.

    This series, I’ve actually been able to read and not put down, so it says something
    for the quality and such.
    And yes, it does get graphic and such, but it’s print.. it can’t be that bad.