Greetings JennyLee —

Here is your horoscope for Monday, March 10:
The Stars give more than you think you deserve, which might be just what you need. Your personal magnetism grows. Draw a crowd, and let the people know who you really are.

I think I’ve isolated the problem.

I never felt like one of the cool kids (“cool” being a relative term – the people who, in my perception, were cool, artistic, successful, driven, and enjoying social events that I always felt outside of when I partook,) back when I lived in Toronto. Somehow I convinced myself that, upon moving here and getting a little bit out of my shell artistically, I’d suddenly fit in with them and they’d acknowledge me and tell me they were proud of me. I feel like such a kid all the time.

And therein lies my issue. The cool kids exist in my head. I am not one of them. Since it’s all in my head anyway, I should just stop thinking about it, because it doesn’t matter. I will never actually allow myself to be one of them due to my incessant inferiority complex, and as such it is time that I stop obsessing over things that really don’t matter. I will never feel like I belong, I’ll never believe that I’m strange enough, artistic enough, successful enough, popular enough… it’s just like high school. Maybe I’ll never entirely outgrow high school – it is, after all, a raw representation of what we face for the rest of our lives… I’ll rise or fall on my own merit, and whether or not any of them notice or say anything about it has no bearing on that. People these days don’t generally have time for other people unless it’s a massive planned event; friendships will only be maintained if at least one person takes the time and applies the effort to maintain it.

So if I feel isolated, it’s partially because I’m not very good at maintaining things when I’m so far away. I like people, I just happen to like them on an individual and small-group in-person basis.Online communication isn’t as effective as we want it to be, and contains too much room for misinterpretation. I am perpetually out of sorts when I talk on the phone. What I need is to just sit down for tea with people, talking or not…. just to be near them.

I am a social being, I am just absolutely terrified of large groups of people. I’m not even comfortable at a house party surrounded by folks I know until it’s settled into that part where people are talking in small groups of two or three. It’s hard to make new friends, it’s hard to keep contact with old ones. A lot of things are hard. Not to say that I shouldn’t or can’t or won’t do them, and not to say that I’m complaining… it’s an observation. What I keep doing, what I’ve always done, is thinking that by not being somewhere I’m missing out on all sorts of fun. And I am missing out on all sorts of fun, because there’s all sorts of fun going on everywhere – and there’s no way I could be everywhere. What I forget, in all of that, is that I’m actually also having fun… and other people are missing out on that. Maybe if I think about it that way for a while I won’t feel so out of touch, so displaced, so inadequate. So I don’t get to celebrate the all-day Monicafest with them. That doesn’t make me a lesser person, and I should stop feeling like it does. My perpetual self-comparison to my old roommate has always been detrimental to my emotional health. I do not need to hold myself up to her and base my entire sense of artistic self on what she has accomplished. I’ve always been proud of her, I’ve always respected and loved her, and I’ve always felt like I couldn’t possibly be up to par with her on a professional level. Much like my older sister… I may never be as good with money as she is, and as free-spirited. I need to learn to stop comparing myself to everyone I know. I’m not a reflection of them, nor, I think, would they want me to be.

I know there are people who miss me, and I miss them. Sometimes a person just needs to be told such things. I’m glad a few people have, it makes me feel better. And, contrary to what some might think, I will be back. Hopefully I will have dealt with my personal hangups by then. Maybe some distance is what I need to be able to do that.

The rest of today is accomplishment day. We are going to clean the entire house. Then we shall feel accomplished, and the cats will be appreciative. Six cats makes for a dirty litterbox, I tell you.

8 Comments

  • cyn

    March 10, 2003 at 9:39 am

    hang in there jen – spring will bring new energy a

    • ex_oki86

      March 10, 2003 at 9:57 am

      A!

      I always thought you were cool, Jen… Why do you think I like hanging out with you and Adam? I do miss you guys alot!

      And yes, Cyn, I’m also talking about you as well. 🙂

      • Jenny Lee Silver

        March 10, 2003 at 12:14 pm

        It’s quite sweet of you to think I’m cool, Oki. 🙂 Unfortunately, you don’t live inside my head. Then again, if you did things would get very crowded and there would be way too many languages lurking around.

        We miss you too.

        • ex_oki86

          March 10, 2003 at 5:41 pm

          But if I did live inside your head… it’d be a shorter distance to travel to visit you guys! ;D

    • Jenny Lee Silver

      March 10, 2003 at 12:15 pm

      Well, they tell me that winter does end up here eventually. Not that I mind the snow, but the cold seeps in and gets to you after a while.

      Thanks 🙂

  • tjousk

    March 10, 2003 at 10:28 am

    That was an interesting read, made me look at myself, and what I’ve been doing these past few months…

    • Jenny Lee Silver

      March 10, 2003 at 8:58 pm

      It’s odd… I don’t usually think that things I write in my journal will cause other people to think about their own stuff.

  • ashkitty

    March 10, 2003 at 6:28 pm

    *snuggles*

    I think you’re awesome.