I’m trying really hard to not get depressed. It’s getting harder to do today. I had to skip out on work because of the neck thing… got a massage last night, which helped at the time, but now I’m in pain again. I’m so very tired of pain. Not working sucks because I owe people money. Not getting paid til the end of the month, which also kind of sucks in the owing people money department.
On top of that, it’s nearly August, which means the summer is on the downslide. September we’re moving. It’s a direction, but it doesn’t feel right at the moment. I mean sure, rent is coming down and such, but the city’s got some unresolved SARS issues and the job market is distinctly lacking as far as I know. Maybe I’ll feel better when it’s closer, but right now nothing feels right.
Not even going to get into the rest of it. Not much point.
What’s anything worth? I feel so lonely.
Canoe trip is super-easy this year. Hopefully I won’t feel like killing anyone by then. Would almost in a way rather dump the whole group of them, get a kayak and a dog and flee everything all on my own. No offense to anyone actually going on the trip, should they happen to be reading this. It’s not a personal thing, I’m just tired of people, and when I’m in this sort of mood I get that ‘these aren’t my friends, they’re my boyfriend’s friends’ feeling of exclusion. Whether or not it’s a valid feeling is irrelevant – it’s actually probably completely invalid – that doesn’t mean I don’t feel it. And the people that I’m actually close to keep backing out… looks like Vachel’s not going to make it now either. A bit ironic, since the trip is this late in the summer by his request. He’ll be missed.