I like to wonder

Every once in a while I get to thinking… not so often these days, because I don’t have that much time on my hands when I’m not too tired to think, but every once in a while. And sometimes when I do get to thinking, I start to think about people I used to know, and I wonder how they are and where they are. And sometimes I think about people I closed doors on, and while I never regret those decisions I wonder occasionally if I should reopen them and see what’s going on. This doesn’t include one door that I don’t think I’m going to be willing to reopen. That’s another thought entirely.

There are things I left unfinished, unresolved. There are things that worked themselves out as they were meant to, but sometimes I revisit them in my mind. Nothing to change, even if I could do so, and yet I wonder what’s on their side of the door. I think maybe it’s part of that feeling I used to get when I was maybe eight or so, sitting in the back seat of the car staring out the window. So many people out there in their own cars driving past us, people going places that I’m not going, people I don’t know and will probably never know who are thinking their own thoughts and wondering about things and worrying about things and thinking in languages I don’t know. It used to floor me. It still does if I think about it for too long. So many people doing so many different things and they’re all passing each other on the highway. Those were the moments when I felt like I was part of something.

And so I wonder sometimes. I’d say it’s probably best to leave it at that, and that is what I always do until I think about it again next time. It’s not that I’m missing people, because that’s not really what it is. It’s just a sense of detached curiosity that I don’t feel any need to act on. I don’t need to find out… I just like to wonder.