Five am and I’m still wide awake. I don’t think I should do any of the driving tomorrow. I’m going to be exhausted.
I think I know why I’m so awake and stressed, though. After three and a half weeks of Adam being stressed about his injury, as well as I don’t know how much time of him being stressed about our savings, about the big move, about missing work because of his injury, and all sorts of other things that I can’t begin to list at 5am, I’ve just reached my breaking point of being strong and supportive and trying to be a calming influence. Today (last night now, I suppose) I just snapped under the pressure of all of it. The problem is, the whole time I was being there for him I wasn’t able to find someone to be my support, to push me up when I started to feel like I couldn’t take it anymore. And I felt on the edge of it a bunch of times, but I just kept pushing my way through and not feeling whatever I was feeling.
At emergency last night it all crashed down around me, and I snapped. The last place for me to be when I snap is around Adam’s family. Or my family. Or anyone, really, unless I trust them enough to actually let them take care of me, and there aren’t many of those people left for me. Generally it’s Adam who gets that from me, as much as I get it from him, but this time that wasn’t the way to go and I knew it.
I need a backup system for these times.
I also get the feeling that Adam’s mother and I will never feel entirely comfortable with each other. We never have, even when I lived in their house for 8 months. Nor did we before then, and neither afterwards. I like her, she likes me, we get along fairly well, and I’m not trying to be negative and totally discount the concept that we may at some point find a common enough ground to try for comfort, but the way things are right now I just can’t picture it.
That was Dayle’s contribution to this lj entry. I like it.
I think I’ll go try to sleep again. Either that or stay up and watch a sunrise…