Hungry

I am feeling overly thoughtful today. I have been for the past few days, really. The five-day-long headache extravaganza has let up at least somewhat this evening, which is a nice change. I swear, having a headache since last thursday was exceedingly frustrating, especially while trying to entertain company.

I’m feeling starved for a good conversation, and by that I mean my kind of good conversation. Adam and his mom and brother got into what they consider a good conversation last week, and all it felt like to me was an argument with no one giving ground on either side. Apparently I am mistaken in that, or that’s what they tell me. They seemed fine with it, anyhow. Eh. Not for me.

I’m starved for the quiet conversation you come across when you’re talking to only one other person, the kind that doesn’t involve heated exchanges and frustration but is more just a connection and an exchange of ideas. Calm, open, without judgement and without incessant sarcasm on either side. There is so much sarcasm around me sometimes that I spout it off without thinking lately, always at the wrong times. I don’t like myself at those times.

So do I email someone with a written essay of my thoughts and hopes and fears, my beliefs and the things that really make me stop and think, as if I expect them to reply? When I’ve done so in the past, they haven’t had anything to say, and really why should they? Email is not a form of two way conversation for me, no more than livejournal is. They are both just me writing things without expectation of a dialogue.

And now here I sit on my couch thinking about how I have to take a picture still today and haven’t yet. I have to catch up with the week’s Picture a Day posts. I have to drag myself into a more positive headspace about everything and be done with moping about how I’m lonely and bored and frustrated with doing nothing and wishing I had someone to sit down and talk to who isn’t taking things I say as a personal attack.

In the meantime I will play the bejeweled that resides on my personalized google page, and it will suck my brain dry, and contemplate how the new BNL album is out and I wish to download it from their officially sanctioned download for purchase site.

The music I’m hearing has rain in it.

5 Comments

  • spadoink

    September 13, 2006 at 6:03 am

    jessica and i sort of have the same problem at times. i am very much often in the mindset that adam is in terms of conversations and she very much is not. we’ve not come across a solution of any sort yet.

    who do you normally have this type of conversation with?

  • Jenny Lee Silver

    September 13, 2006 at 6:34 am

    I haven’t really found anyone I’m comfortable with on that level in BC as of yet. Back in Ontario I think I could talk to Trasie and Emma, mostly, and another friend who kind of disappeared, as I generally expected he would.

  • spadoink

    September 13, 2006 at 6:42 am

    well that’s a bit of a bummer.
    meeting new people must be a little bit tough for you as well.

  • artyste

    September 13, 2006 at 2:12 pm

    we need to do more one on one coffee/tea get-togethers then.. I’m all about the conversations you talk about you know.

  • Jenny Lee Silver

    September 13, 2006 at 4:31 pm

    Yeah… now that summer’s done it’s more likely that there will be time for such things. We should do so.