I am feeling overly thoughtful today. I have been for the past few days, really. The five-day-long headache extravaganza has let up at least somewhat this evening, which is a nice change. I swear, having a headache since last thursday was exceedingly frustrating, especially while trying to entertain company.
I’m feeling starved for a good conversation, and by that I mean my kind of good conversation. Adam and his mom and brother got into what they consider a good conversation last week, and all it felt like to me was an argument with no one giving ground on either side. Apparently I am mistaken in that, or that’s what they tell me. They seemed fine with it, anyhow. Eh. Not for me.
I’m starved for the quiet conversation you come across when you’re talking to only one other person, the kind that doesn’t involve heated exchanges and frustration but is more just a connection and an exchange of ideas. Calm, open, without judgement and without incessant sarcasm on either side. There is so much sarcasm around me sometimes that I spout it off without thinking lately, always at the wrong times. I don’t like myself at those times.
So do I email someone with a written essay of my thoughts and hopes and fears, my beliefs and the things that really make me stop and think, as if I expect them to reply? When I’ve done so in the past, they haven’t had anything to say, and really why should they? Email is not a form of two way conversation for me, no more than livejournal is. They are both just me writing things without expectation of a dialogue.
And now here I sit on my couch thinking about how I have to take a picture still today and haven’t yet. I have to catch up with the week’s Picture a Day posts. I have to drag myself into a more positive headspace about everything and be done with moping about how I’m lonely and bored and frustrated with doing nothing and wishing I had someone to sit down and talk to who isn’t taking things I say as a personal attack.
In the meantime I will play the bejeweled that resides on my personalized google page, and it will suck my brain dry, and contemplate how the new BNL album is out and I wish to download it from their officially sanctioned download for purchase site.
The music I’m hearing has rain in it.