Rainy November

I read that November is the rainiest month in Vancouver. Thus far it’s proving accurate. I don’t really mind the rain this early on, it hasn’t had a chance to seep into my bones and make me forget what the sun looks like. The rain at this point still gives me a sense of calm and connectedness with the world.

As such, I can’t blame my melancholia on the rain.

I’ve discovered that one of the women I work with is a mountain biker, perhaps around the same level as I am. If it was pre-rainy-season, this would mean I have someone to go riding with that isn’t the bunch of boys with whom I currently ride. Since it’s rainy, it means that we’ve started making plans to go riding when we can. It will be nice.

I’m feeling a little like a creative failure at the moment. I decided not to do NaNoWriMo because I didn’t want to commit the time to it and because I didn’t have an idea. Plus, I haven’t finished editing last year’s (I hate editing so very much) and I feel I should really do so before starting something new. The problem is, I don’t feel like anyone really wants to see anything I’ve created these days. Even if I do finish editing and Vachel sends me the drawings he’s doing for the story, and I go and self-publish it, I have a feeling the whole thing will go the way of my photo site – no one’s going to actually buy a copy.

The new site, which I put so much work into and meant a lot to me to get done, has proven to be basically pointless. I feel as though I might as well take it down. Sure, if I had some marketing maybe people would buy a picture or two, but I don’t, and I am useless at self-promotion, and the last thing I want to do is go out into a community and try to sell myself. That just makes me feel worse about myself, like I’m a fraud on top of being useless.

Photo a Day is done at the end of the month. Perhaps after that I should just stop for a while. I create things to share them, and if no one’s looking then I lose a lot of motivation to create. I’m not going to be altruistic and tell you that I do it for my own satisfaction – that isn’t how it goes. My satisfaction comes from sharing it.

As for music, I’m pretty much nothing without a facilitator of some kind, and that is something I don’t have. Adam’s afraid if we work on things together we’ll end up in fights. I’m not convinced of that, but if he thinks it’ll happen then chances are it’ll be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Again, going out to meet strangers to work with will not happen – I don’t have the confidence to meet people and make friends with them very well. I’ve reached a point that I’m considering joining a choir, even though I really don’t like choir music all that much, just for the opportunity to sing.

I’m kind of hoping when I have Fridays off (starting soon) that I’ll take that time alone to work on things on my own. Maybe something will come of that. I may get to work on a Podcast through work, too, which I’d find really interesting – it would be very nice to use some of the stuff I learned in college again, since I haven’t really done so since I was doing the FneuCast way back when.

Bleh. None of it matters. I’m insecure and frustrated.

I picked up the tickets for the Billy Talent show in January. That will be fun.

The rain just picked up. It’s going nuts out there. Storm warning yay – something 100mm of rain projected for tonight.

Headache update (this is for me, because I don’t remember to keep track of these things anywhere else…)
Wednesday: Headache all day, pretty bad, and advil didn’t help.
Thursday: Headache in the morning, went away with advil, then came back in the afternoon. mid-level.
Friday: Headache at night
Saturday: Headache most of the day
Sunday: Woke up with the headache, went back to sleep hoping it’d go away, woke up again and still had it. Centralized behind the eyes and the back of the neck (as per usual.) Avoiding the computer much of the day in the hopes that might help, it didn’t. About to take some advil.

I’ve increased my water intake all week in the hopes of making the headache(s) stop, thinking it might be dehydration. It hasn’t helped with headaches, so I don’t think that’s it.

4 Comments

  • theoldmac

    November 6, 2006 at 1:31 am

    do you have any vocal tracks I can turn into remixes?

    • Jenny Lee Silver

      November 6, 2006 at 1:47 am

      Nothing of mine, it was all lost in the move since it never made it off cassette from the Porta-02. There are crappy mp3s made from the original demos or live versions of those, but nothing in any kind of multitrack form, or of any higher quality.

      The only stuff I have of better quality is songs written by people other than me – mostly Adam’s stuff. We keep planning on redoing some of it, but it hasn’t happened yet. Maybe now that it’s winter, and if I can get him over the weird fight thing he has in his head.

      • theoldmac

        November 6, 2006 at 2:11 am

        I could maybe play around with adam’s stuff and give it a new interpretation also… but what would be cooler for me is if you could lay down some acapella stuff of your own poems or songs you’ve written.

        I’m nervous about making my own music too. Playing covers or being a DJ is great and all, but I realize it’s time to really push my own work out there. There’s a lot more fear of rejection tho when it’s your own creativity and expression.

  • spadoink

    November 6, 2006 at 6:03 pm

    self promotion is really tough. getting the nerve to do it. the self-belief to make it happen. agreeing to the notion that someone else should like your stuff as much as you do. i’m very much a coward where such things are concerned. i’ve been fairly lucky in getting the shows that i have.

    in addition to that, lack of response can be almost dibilitating. my show at the first coffee shop never had any sort of interest. not knowing if that’s presentation, or reception, or whether people just hate stuff. it’s really tough. near impossible to deal with. it all feels like rejection of some level.

    i like some of your photos a lot. enough to have them on my wall or to give them as gifts. however, my wall is reserved for my photos and my gifts come from my own port in the same way. such things just mean more, when coming from me, you know.