December 22nd in Northeastern Ontario, and the temperature hovers around 0 degrees. It was raining earlier, threatening to become ice rain overnight. Today we went for a walk around Pete’s Dam, a place I’ve been many times before, both while we lived in New Liskeard and when we visited in the past. It was a place caught in transition, like the rest of Ontario seems to have been since we arrived. The plants are all dead and turned brown, waiting for the snow that should have come to stay weeks ago. The land is waiting for the winter to set in, everything is in stasis until spring, and the feeling of waiting for the transition from fall into winter is so pervasive that it’s almost overwhelming sometimes.
The weather is reflective of my own internal conflicts right now. I feel in transition once again, although not negatively. There is a sense of anticipation, of waiting, of even delaying moving on with things that I really want to be doing, however unclear they are to me. I can only be vague here because really I’m feeling vague within as much as outside myself. There is much to do, if I could focus on something… if I could focus I could do anything, with the feelings I have right now. I’m fairly certain that at this moment I could take on the world and give it something fantastic, something even I would have to admit is worthwhile.
The trouble is the vagueness, of course. Where can I direct this energy, this feeling that I can do anything? Again I’m faced with wanting to delay, to wait for someone else to come along and push me in the right direction, but this time I’m pretty sure that it won’t happen – the same as every other time. People don’t hand me things, however much I ask for them. I work for everything that seems to come so easily, and I take it all so personally when it doesn’t turn out perfect. That’s all right, though – I’ve come to terms with that.
I can feel everything in my dreams. They have been chaotic, intense, violent, story-filled, and frequent, filling up every night when I sleep. I’m in a very interesting place right now, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, what have you, and I want to follow through.
I’m not even looking for purpose this time. I just want to find my own focus, and find my own way. No one is here with me on this one, there never has been. This is all my own energy, mine to channel to where I want. I’m not going to offer it away this time freely, not without being asked. This time it’s my choice. My world. My transition.