I want to pull out the guitar, but it’s too late. I’ll just listen to country/folk/acoustic songs and feel distant and weird. I want very much to be loud, but it’s too late. these are the days that living in an apartment building close to other people kind of sucks.
I think I’m feeling strange and lonely today. Adam’s incredibly stressed out over about a thousand different things, and hasn’t slept well in many weeks, and is just generally really needing me to be supportive and take care of him and stuff. I’m all for that, it’s what being in a relationship’s all about to me, but when it gets unbalanced to the extent that it has been lately, I just get exhausted and want rather desperately for someone to just take care of me for a bit, even if there’s nothing really all that wrong.
So yeah. I miss Tara, who would meet me for coffee when I started feeling like this, among other folks back in Toronto who I could depend on to be there when I’m getting to the edge of my ability to take care of someone else without getting resentful. I don’t really know who here is really up for and interested in getting me out of the house when I’m in a bad mood… it’s so hard to reach a point with someone that I start to feel like I’m not imposing or annoying them.
It’s hard sometimes. I have bad days too, but not as bad as he does. I get into bad moods, but I have to shut them out because we can’t both be miserable at the same time or things just go from bad to worse. Sunday was a bad day for me, mostly because I was annoyed at myself for sleeping in and just felt like crap all day – lonely and weird. His day was worse. It really was. His days have been worse for a while.
I guess this is my payback for not being stable for most of my teens and twenties.