Everything is Undefined

I have been both moody and thoughtful lately. The summer has been one of looking inward and paying attention to where I am right now in life, and where I’d like to be. I’ve been quiet for a while now, I’ve noticed, and not really sure where I want to go with… well, everything. Adam and I will have been married for two years tomorrow. We’ve known each other now for over ten years – a third of our lives, since he just turned 31 and I will be doing the same very soon. We’ve been together six of those years.

All this introspection has left me thinking about what I want, and what we want for our future. We’ve talked about this a lot lately; now that I’ve finally found myself a job that I want to stay at, I’m feeling fairly stable and happy. Adam is still trying to find his place with work – he’s been moving around through contracts for the past year and a half or so, and is really tired of it. He’s aiming to get something more permanent and career-worthy, and something that lets him feel like he can move forward. Basically, he wants a real job. Not that I blame him; it’s frustrating for both of us if one of us isn’t quite happy with work. It’s also been frustrating not knowing how much income we have at any given time, and not being able to plan our finances accordingly.

And so he’s applied for some more permanent full time non-contract “real job” work. On top of that are Adam’s ongoing health problems, adding an extra level of stress to things for us. In a way, our future is on hold, and we can’t make many plans for our future until we know there’s some stability coming – both with Adam’s health and with his job. For once I’m the one who’s stable and solid – practically an immovable force. Maybe I always have been and just didn’t realize it.

For now, though, we wait and see what happens.