I had initially started writing on this subject in an online forum for women who are mountain bikers, but something made me stop – mostly a feeling of dicsconnect from a group of women doing a sport that I’m temporarily banned from enjoying, as well as a distinct feeling that they don’t want to hear about my pregnancy. Maybe I need to find some pregnant friends or something – I really am starting to feel like the women I know aren’t interested in listening to me ramble about the weirdness that is my body these days, and that makes me censor myself.
The thread was about body image, specifically, and I wanted to express just how being pregnant has affected me in terms of my body image. Sometimes I just feel fat. I’m not even really that big yet, but I feel the belly and sometimes it gets in the way, and I get weirdly insecure about it. It’s not like I’m trying to go out and impress anyone, but I feel like if anyone is looking at me they just think I’m fat – not pregnant. It’s not really rational – sometimes I feel fine about myself, sometimes I feel terrible. Adam, being the ever-attentive and wonderful husband that he is, tells me I look beautiful. I’m guessing this is normal and pregnant women go through it, but I don’t really know who to talk to about such things.
What I didn’t realize until I started writing this, however, is how pregnancy is affecting more than just my body image. It’s having a major impact on my interactions with people. I’ve become less inclined to get into conversations with people, partly because I’m so focussed on being pregnant that it’s bound to come up somehow – and if I’m talking to non-pregnant people I’m quite sure they aren’t interested. Even if they are. The same goes for online discussions – since I’m part of various forums that involve mountain biking, I feel less and less able to contribute to anything. Plus I get a little frustrated that I can’t for the next six months at least, and sometimes don’t want to hear about it. Same goes for all sorts of other activities that I have to exclude myself from.
It’s not even that I’m looking for someone to talk to about being pregnant. That isn’t it, really. Maybe it would help, maybe it wouldn’t. I’m just finding that I’m less and less connected to the people I usually talk to. It’s disconcerting.
It’s all right though. In a little over five months I’ll have a baby, and no time to converse with anyone anyhow.