Tomorrow morning I pack up Lyra first thing in the morning and walk her to daycare before heading on to work. I am of mixed emotions about this, as I am sure many others have been before me. There are a lot of random thoughts cascading around in my head tonight. I worry that Lyra’s not going to get enough to eat at daycare – she’s not all that into food, most of the time. I worry that I’m going to spend my entire lunch pumping milk without having a chance to take a break and eat. I worry that I won’t fit into the new format and team that they’ve developed at my office in the year I’ve been gone. I worry that my daily two hours of commuting time is going to make me crazy. I worry that I’m going to be exhausted, that getting up extra early and getting out the door is going to be incredibly hard, that I’m not going to get enough sleep to be all that functional, that I’m going to spend too much money on expensive coffee because I don’t really like the cheap stuff.
All this worrying is not really something I do much, so it’s making me kind of moody. I’m already exhausted and I haven’t even gone back yet. We can’t afford for me to not go back, and to be fair I really do enjoy my workplace. I should be excited. Instead I’m just kind of worried. I can accept that, tomorrow I’ll be at work either way.
Today we went to a mountain bike trail building day on Fromme, which got me thinking more about my relationship with riding these days.
Lately I’ve also been trying to get back into biking. What I’ve figured out is my lack of fundamental skill and learning is a problem lately. I’m afraid of momentum, I’m afraid to go too fast or feel like my bike is leaving me behind, which sometimes you have to do to get past obstacles. I’m nervous about riding in general, so I hesitate rather than make plans to get out on my bike – and end up not going at all. I’ve been out riding twice I think in the past few months, because I don’t make plans to get out. I don’t really want to ride the trails that are close to me, they’re all at a level that I’m not comfortable with, and rather than going out to practice on them and try to develop skills I just feel like crap because I can’t ride anything. I get filled with panic and freeze up. It’s not fun, and saying I should just keep riding till I get over it doesn’t help. I know, I’ve tried telling myself that.
Plus with Lyra I’m more worried about hurting myself badly. This is a sport where you expect that you will fall, because you aren’t always going to ride perfectly, you can’t predict changes in the trail, and things can happen that are entirely out of your control. It’s part of what makes riding fun.
At least I feel a bit like I’ve figured out that problem – I need to go back to the basics, to learn beginner skills that I’ve never really had, and to ride trails that aren’t full of technical features that freak me out. I need to pretend like I’ve never ridden before and start from scratch. I need to ride places that aren’t on the North Shore. I really need to get out and actually ride, but I know now that means I have to go out and do trails that no one else feels like doing because they’re too easy. I’m not talking Floppy Bunny easy either… I’m not there yet. I used to be, but I’m not anymore. I’m just barely able to deal with riding the Richard Juryn trail, and I still walk stupid little things on that because I panic. I think I need to do some XC.
So maybe with going back to work I’ll feel more comfortable spending the money to take out a co-op car and go riding from time to time. I miss the times when I really enjoyed riding. I’m not really interested in going to Whistler, or trying to push my limits by riding on the North Shore. I want to start slow and easy. And I don’t feel like joining another club. I barely make it to the rides the club I’m already in does. I guess I should really start there with the weekly XC rides, and see what I can figure out beyond that.
I guess there’s a lot on my mind tonight. Hopefully I will sleep just fine – I’m certainly tired enough.