She fell asleep in my lap tonight before I could actually put her to bed. I guess it was an eventful day that tired her out… And I just didn’t want to move her for a while.
It’s really incredible that I can just sit here and watch Lyra sleep, and be pretty happy doing so. She looks so peaceful, and I feel like I could make all the noise in the world and she wouldn’t wake up, but I still want to sit here and just… watch her sleep.
I didn’t really get it before — just how it feels to love someone this way. It’s entirely different from anything I’ve ever felt before. I feel physical pain if I think about anything terrible happening to her. My breath catches in my throat if I imagine her getting hurt, and my heart breaks into uncounted millions of shards if I venture into thinking about somehow losing her. It’s a pain I can’t explain to anyone who isn’t a parent, and if you are, then it doesn’t need an explanation. It just is, and I can’t imagine life without her, or that feeling.
Maybe it’s a bit like an elite club, but it’s not that I don’t want people to join — It’s my hope that anyone who wishes to can live this experience, letting us share (even if it’s not spoken aloud) the knowledge that this is a strange, challenging, and ultimately rewarding club to join — the most rewarding and challenging experience of my life.
So many people who were already in the club told me that I wouldn’t get it until I was there. I knew they were right then; now I know just how right they were, and exactly what they meant.
I can’t explain it… if you know what I’m talking about, then maybe someday we’ll have a cup of tea and talk about it, but I really don’t know that there’s much to say… it just is. You know what I mean.
So good night my sleeping beauty, I’ll miss you while you’re gone, and I’ll be so happy to see you in the morning — and you won’t understand what I mean until you grow up and maybe have a baby of your own.
Thank you for making me your mom.