My sleeping beauty


Sleeping beauty, originally uploaded by Jenny Lee Silver.

She fell asleep in my lap tonight before I could actually put her to bed. I guess it was an eventful day that tired her out… And I just didn’t want to move her for a while.

It’s really incredible that I can just sit here and watch Lyra sleep, and be pretty happy doing so. She looks so peaceful, and I feel like I could make all the noise in the world and she wouldn’t wake up, but I still want to sit here and just… watch her sleep.

I didn’t really get it before — just how it feels to love someone this way. It’s entirely different from anything I’ve ever felt before. I feel physical pain if I think about anything terrible happening to her. My breath catches in my throat if I imagine her getting hurt, and my heart breaks into uncounted millions of shards if I venture into thinking about somehow losing her. It’s a pain I can’t explain to anyone who isn’t a parent, and if you are, then it doesn’t need an explanation. It just is, and I can’t imagine life without her, or that feeling.

Maybe it’s a bit like an elite club, but it’s not that I don’t want people to join — It’s my hope that anyone who wishes to can live this experience, letting us share (even if it’s not spoken aloud) the knowledge that this is a strange, challenging, and ultimately rewarding club to join — the most rewarding and challenging experience of my life.

So many people who were already in the club told me that I wouldn’t get it until I was there. I knew they were right then; now I know just how right they were, and exactly what they meant.

I can’t explain it… if you know what I’m talking about, then maybe someday we’ll have a cup of tea and talk about it, but I really don’t know that there’s much to say… it just is. You know what I mean.

So good night my sleeping beauty, I’ll miss you while you’re gone, and I’ll be so happy to see you in the morning — and you won’t understand what I mean until you grow up and maybe have a baby of your own.

Thank you for making me your mom.

4 Comments

  • meisterdorf

    May 8, 2010 at 6:06 am

    she has grown so much! you are a good mom.

  • sharolyn

    May 9, 2010 at 2:50 am

    I completely feel physical pain at the idea of anything happening to either of my kids. I wasn’t expecting that at all… or rather, not that I didn’t expect that, but I didn’t expect to think of the possibility of something bad happening as often as I do.

  • sirreal13

    May 9, 2010 at 10:05 pm

    That photo really brings out the angelic nature of your daughter…

    Happy Mother’s Day!

  • daruba

    May 10, 2010 at 6:03 pm

    dayum!

    she’s a cutie!