This isn’t really a year in review like I’ve done in the past… It’s more a ‘status of my life right now’. And I’m perfectly happy with that.
Home is my family
This was the year Lyra really developed a personality, a sense of humour, and her own set of proto-idiosyncrasies that we all end up with as adults. Sometimes, like when I put her hair up, I can see the girl she’s going to be in five or ten years, and it’s a shock to my system. Really, this whole year has felt like it’s been entirely about her. Not in the way that I’ve lost myself in motherhood – I still do my own things, have my own interests, and spend time on myself regularly – just in that she’s the highlight of my year, and of my life to date. She is the one thing that I can’t imagine living without… even more than cheese.
What? I like cheese.
Every year my relationship with Adam gets stronger. To this day, I’ve never once felt like our partnership was on weak ground, or that I had made the wrong choice deciding to spend my time with him. I have no complaints; what I do have is an ever-increasing conviction that he makes my life better in a million tiny and huge ways. And he brings me cheese.
When we decided to try and get pregnant again, we didn’t entirely expect it to happen in the first two weeks, but apparently we’re very good at conception. I know a lot of people have a harder time with that part of things, but we wouldn’t have minded more opportunities to practice before success. That said, while I’m now 15 weeks pregnant, this pregnancy has felt less real than the first one. Maybe it’s because there’s so much else to keep me busy, with Lyra being three and a half, and with the pregnancy itself giving me more of the crappy pregnancy symptoms than I ever had with Lyra. I was queasy and exhausted for the entire first trimester – not my favourite thing. But I’ve survived that, had an ultrasound that made it feel more real, and am now exploring a new relationship with food that mostly includes not feeling like eating anything while feeling ravenous. At least I can still happily eat cheese.
Work is work
I do things, I get burnt out sometimes, and then I get better… lather, rinse, repeat. It’s hard to believe I’ve been at the same place for over five years now. I couldn’t say what the future holds for me with my job, and by extension, my career. Sometimes it feels like I’m done with it and want to move on to something less frustrating, something with more tangible emotional rewards, but now obviously isn’t the time for that sort of change. A year off taking care of a growing family will bring a different perspective on everything, I’m sure. Plus, put me a year behind in potential career development, whatever that means. If I could think of a way to tie work in with cheese, I would…
What have I missed?
Let’s see, now that I’ve covered my daughter, my husband, my unborn, nameless future child, and my job, what’s left? Oh, right – me. It’s been a long year, but it really doesn’t feel to me like much has happened to me. I haven’t been able to shake the feeling of coasting for a while now. I’ve been mostly okay with that; the lack of change only gets to me occasionally, when I obsess about it for a week then get over it. I won’t be able to claim that 2012 is as even-keeled as 2011, since the whole second child thing can’t help but be a huge change of the sort that will force a lot of cascading changes behind it. Change I can handle. Change is good.
There are always things I should be working on (but don’t). I know they’re there, I know what they are, and they aren’t what you might be thinking. I’m always trying to figure out how to be better at being me, but there are some things about me that don’t serve me particularly well. I don’t ask for help when I need it. I’m not great at being a friend, even though I sometimes desperately want people to be my friend (it’s like a weird high school echo, and it makes me crazy). When I get too tired or overwhelmed or stuck in a rut, I stop communicating and getting things done. I’m happy to be lazy and do nothing, until I snap and want to destroy my surroundings with fire. FIRE! There are things I love doing, that I’m also good at, but never get around to doing because starting is just too much work.
Knowing all of these things, and I know them very well, hasn’t changed those parts of who I am. But is it laziness or wisdom that makes me want to accept that they’re part of me and it’s okay? I can’t be the judge of that (but if I was I’d say it’s probably laziness). Resolutions don’t work for me so I don’t make them, and I’m fine with that.
It’s all right though. Sometimes I do the things I’m good at, the things that make me happy, and I feel great. Sometimes I am a good friend. Sometimes I make myself go out and do something before laziness and boredom makes me light things on fire. Every once in a while I ask for help.
And sometimes I’m awesome, and I’m good with that too.
Anyhow. If you’ve read this far you must be related to me, so happy new year, and I hope 2012 is a fantastic year for you.