I read that November is the rainiest month in Vancouver. Thus far it’s proving accurate. I don’t really mind the rain this early on, it hasn’t had a chance to seep into my bones and make me forget what the sun looks like. The rain at this point still gives me a sense of calm and connectedness with the world.
As such, I can’t blame my melancholia on the rain.
I’ve discovered that one of the women I work with is a mountain biker, perhaps around the same level as I am. If it was pre-rainy-season, this would mean I have someone to go riding with that isn’t the bunch of boys with whom I currently ride. Since it’s rainy, it means that we’ve started making plans to go riding when we can. It will be nice.
I’m feeling a little like a creative failure at the moment. I decided not to do NaNoWriMo because I didn’t want to commit the time to it and because I didn’t have an idea. Plus, I haven’t finished editing last year’s (I hate editing so very much) and I feel I should really do so before starting something new. The problem is, I don’t feel like anyone really wants to see anything I’ve created these days. Even if I do finish editing and Vachel sends me the drawings he’s doing for the story, and I go and self-publish it, I have a feeling the whole thing will go the way of my photo site – no one’s going to actually buy a copy.
The new site, which I put so much work into and meant a lot to me to get done, has proven to be basically pointless. I feel as though I might as well take it down. Sure, if I had some marketing maybe people would buy a picture or two, but I don’t, and I am useless at self-promotion, and the last thing I want to do is go out into a community and try to sell myself. That just makes me feel worse about myself, like I’m a fraud on top of being useless.
Photo a Day is done at the end of the month. Perhaps after that I should just stop for a while. I create things to share them, and if no one’s looking then I lose a lot of motivation to create. I’m not going to be altruistic and tell you that I do it for my own satisfaction – that isn’t how it goes. My satisfaction comes from sharing it.
As for music, I’m pretty much nothing without a facilitator of some kind, and that is something I don’t have. Adam’s afraid if we work on things together we’ll end up in fights. I’m not convinced of that, but if he thinks it’ll happen then chances are it’ll be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Again, going out to meet strangers to work with will not happen – I don’t have the confidence to meet people and make friends with them very well. I’ve reached a point that I’m considering joining a choir, even though I really don’t like choir music all that much, just for the opportunity to sing.
I’m kind of hoping when I have Fridays off (starting soon) that I’ll take that time alone to work on things on my own. Maybe something will come of that. I may get to work on a Podcast through work, too, which I’d find really interesting – it would be very nice to use some of the stuff I learned in college again, since I haven’t really done so since I was doing the FneuCast way back when.
Bleh. None of it matters. I’m insecure and frustrated.
I picked up the tickets for the Billy Talent show in January. That will be fun.
The rain just picked up. It’s going nuts out there. Storm warning yay – something 100mm of rain projected for tonight.
Headache update (this is for me, because I don’t remember to keep track of these things anywhere else…)
Wednesday: Headache all day, pretty bad, and advil didn’t help.
Thursday: Headache in the morning, went away with advil, then came back in the afternoon. mid-level.
Friday: Headache at night
Saturday: Headache most of the day
Sunday: Woke up with the headache, went back to sleep hoping it’d go away, woke up again and still had it. Centralized behind the eyes and the back of the neck (as per usual.) Avoiding the computer much of the day in the hopes that might help, it didn’t. About to take some advil.
I’ve increased my water intake all week in the hopes of making the headache(s) stop, thinking it might be dehydration. It hasn’t helped with headaches, so I don’t think that’s it.