Thoughts on my self worth

but time has no beginnings and history has no bounds…

When I was in high school drama class we once had to research a historical time, write a play about it, and then perform it. We were assigned the building of the trans-canada railroad. I wasn’t much of an actress, I got parts like ‘Rioter’ and ‘dead body #3’ and ‘yelling goverment official in congress with 30 other yelling government officials.’ Our drama teacher had this idea, however, that for the railroad play, we could tie the parts together with parts of Gordon Lightfoot’s Railroad Trilogy (it’s a really long song, tells the story of the building of the railroad.)

I thought nothing of the fact that she asked me to learn the song and sing parts of it a capella¬†for the transitions between scenes. It never occurred to me that she thought I was a good singer, I figured she was just trying to come up with something for me to do so that she wouldn’t have to cast me as a major part of the play. This was, and is still to some degree, my mindset. People didn’t tell me I was good at things, so maybe they just thought that I must know I was good at it, so I didn’t need to be told… Except that I didn’t know, so I thought I was just bad at everything.

I have no idea why I’m thinking about this now. I do know that I make efforts to let people know when they’ve done a good job at something, or when they’ve got talent at something.

What was this journal supposed to be about??


  • eyean

    July 6, 2000 at 8:10 am

    chuga-chuga-chuga-choo-choo. blow the whistle, feed the fire, run the train pixielee.

    chug along little train. i like trainrides, the european countrysides vary a great degree. it’s like a watching a moving canvas on the windows. moving from vinyards in south of france to alpine scenery in switzerland to gothic castles in germany snaking along the rhine. ahhh. i wish i could do a series of black and white photos along these routes. i think it speaks more of what i see and think. the moment i imagine the scene i want in a picture, i become muted. captivated until i develop them and they remind me of how horrible i am at taking photos.

    the flat lands of holland reminds me of central spain. it’s there, it’s not barren but it’s also not there. flatlands give me a feeling of loss, i just stare away til the ends of the horizon. let my eyes follow the lines, unlike mountains where people say ohhh and ahhh.

    uhm. nuff said. it’s not a qualified rant at all. hahah.

    bongiorno principesa!

    (remember that in la vita e bella?)

    • Jenny Lee Silver

      July 6, 2000 at 8:36 am

      I’ve never seen flatland that doesn’t end… I want to drive across Canada someday, but that would require a car, a vacation, and a lot of money. The Prairies are days of endless flat nothing, I’ve been told. And I want to drive through the Rockies (I’ve seen those, but just the ones close to Vancouver, there wasn’t enough time for it all, and I didn’t get to stop anywhere that wasn’t super-touristy, when I wasn’t on a plane.) And the Laurentians in Quebec, I want to see more of them, I haven’t been out there since I was 10 or so… There’s so much to see in my own country, I can’t even imagine going to others. Out to the East coast, I want to go back to the Atlantic when I’m the one driving, I’m the one who chooses where we go and what we see… Gaspe, Labrador, Cape Breton… So much to see, and I’m still here working to pay rent. Life is too expensive.

      (remember that in la vita e bella?)

      I haven’t seen it yet… I mean to, but haven’t.

      • duncan

        July 6, 2000 at 9:26 am

        Re: You can do anything you want!

        You have all the talent in the family. Unfortunately you also have all the low
        self-esteem. You’re a great kid with lots of talent. Let everyone else enjoy it!
        Have a super-great day Jen. Love ya.

        • Anonymous

          July 6, 2000 at 10:09 am

          Re: You can do anything you want!

          I agree with you..and congratulations about your daughter…. she?s singular!!!!


          • duncan

            July 7, 2000 at 3:43 pm

            Re: You can do anything you want!

            I have known that for years! Just try and convince her of that fact!

      • eyean

        July 7, 2000 at 8:20 am

        oh dear. the vast expanse of canada. i would want to see it in my lifetime. augh. some russian friends are planning a roadtrip across the ural mountains all the way to central asia. exotic. whoa. i don’t have the time to trek for three months and i can’t afford ransom money incase i get kidnapped somewhere out there. lol. wishes. wishes. wishes. i’d rather go fishing. catch a trout. lol.

        it’s a friday. after a stop in the plage for a barbecue, we’re going to watch some gratuit blues concert.

        i’m bringing feta cheese before they expire in my fridge. feed my friends. tomorrow they’ll have tummy-aches and i’ll go solo without someone bugging me. lmao.

        have a nice lunch jennylee.

        watch it. life is beautiful.