Hurt

Last night at 2:00 I went to bed while Jay got up to watch tv, and something inside me broke when I hit the wall. An hour I spent in dry tears, an hour of sobbing and calling for help and shaking shaking shaking with nothing and no one there. I couldn’t let go, I couldn’t lose control, and an hour of crying myself sick didn’t make me feel any better. I could feel myself breaking in two, screaming in a whisper to please come back, please help me, hold me, don’t let me fall, don’t leave me alone… but he couldn’t hear me and he didn’t know and in my warped reality I was alone, deserted, he was angry with me, punishing me for not being enough, silencing the voice quietly saying that this was all wrong, that he wasn’t angry, that I wasn’t being punished. When too much time had passed and he still hadn’t heard me, and still the tears weren’t the healing sort, that’s when I broke and gave in… that’s when I hit the wall.

Today my shoulders burn where I scraped the skin off them over and over. Today my hand is bruised and aching because walls always win, especially when they’re made of brick. A long scratch up my arm is thin and light and doesn’t hurt much from what I can tell, but the hex key that made it is lying somewhere amidst the wreckage left behind from when I started throwing things. I broke and I gave in and I hurt myself because I couldn’t deal with not being able to cry liquid tears even though I was sobbing, eyes stinging so much with dryness that they still ache even now.

He heard me when I hit the door. By then my shoulders were raw but I couldn’t feel it, my hand was numb but I didn’t notice. By then I was lying on the floor just shaking and pulling at my hair and wishing I was anyone but me. And then he was holding me, wondering what the hell was going on and why I was falling apart. I couldn’t explain why. But I wasn’t alone and he wasn’t angry and after another hour and a half I would be able to sleep… except that I still don’t understand why, or what triggered my renewed interest in causing myself harm. It’s been so long since I’ve done anything of the sort…

These are the things you can’t talk about when you go to work. Any marks I might have made are hidden or faded, I always did have resilient skin. I’m exhausted today, I can’t concentrate, I want to go home and sleep, but I’m here because I have to be, because I am responsible and I am okay and there’s no valid reason for me to be breaking into pieces in a world that’s coming together just fine.

No theories, I know them all. This is who I am, and sometimes I break. I get back up though, because there’s no one else but me who can live my life, and I still need to do something, even if I have no idea what that is…

16 Comments

  • talashandy

    August 31, 2000 at 8:17 am

    (((((((((((Jenny))))))))))) Been there, too Hun. Broke all my knuckles on a door jam once. You need anyone to talk to, give me a holler. =)

    • raviolios

      August 31, 2000 at 8:34 am

      Oh my. That’s really… wow. I don’t quite know what to say. My thoughts are with you Jenny, always.

  • eyean

    August 31, 2000 at 8:39 am

    you break out in laughter most of the time. it’s healthier.

    😉

    • Jenny Lee Silver

      August 31, 2000 at 8:47 am

      certainly better for the hands… 🙂

      • eyean

        September 1, 2000 at 1:55 am

        i have what you may call a hand-fetish (augh, pinch me)… i find them much more expressive than the eyes… oftentimes…

        i’m pissed today. a friend pushed and got his ?berfremdung article published. latent racism. i’m pissed because it’s out of context… nuff… i shouldn’t rant in jennylee’s wholesome family oriented journal…

        bye for now pixiegirl…

        • Jenny Lee Silver

          September 1, 2000 at 6:09 am

          Wholesome family oriented?? Hmmm… you sure you’re talking about my journal?

          • eyean

            September 1, 2000 at 6:17 am

            yep. mom doesn’t have to wash your mouth with soap.

            i have yet to see a really mean bad-arse cuss-word.

            ;))

            smile now, will you?

          • Jenny Lee Silver

            September 1, 2000 at 6:24 am

            Heheheh they’re in there on occasion, I think I just hide them well. 😉

          • eyean

            September 1, 2000 at 6:47 am

            when my daughter grows up well in the world, i’ll show her your “wholesome family-oriented” journals. that is if brad doesn’t pull the plug on l.j…. 😉

            about duran duran. i saw them back in 1988. nice show when there were still five of them brit blokes.

          • Jenny Lee Silver

            September 1, 2000 at 7:29 am

            if brad does pull the plug, he better give us warning so I can back it all up and put it in a book or something. That would so suck.

            I would’ve loved to have seen duran duran in the 80’s!! that would have rockeD!

          • eyean

            September 1, 2000 at 7:39 am

            uhm. it was big back then. they opened the show with “reflex” and until the end of the 3-hour show, there was this sustained audience applause that reminded me how BIG they really were back then… 😉

  • cyn

    August 31, 2000 at 8:59 am

    GOOD FOR YOU.

    did you get some of the badness out? venting is the only thing that works, and although i would strongly reccomend hitting pillows and throwing toys instead of hurting yourself, i totally understand that sometimes it is the only way.

    and brave of you to post this to the world.

    shit. i totally admire your openness.

    you have my number. feel free to call if you need to, no matter what the hour.

    breathe deeply today. drink a lot of water. continue the cleansing through calm, controlled means.

    again, good for you.

  • peekaboo

    August 31, 2000 at 10:36 am

    i totally admire you jennylee, for a multitude of reasons. and i am sending you good vibes for body healing….

    {{{{{jennylee}}}}}}

  • jelly

    August 31, 2000 at 2:06 pm

    I hope that outpouring of emotion was a catalyst for getting you to a happier place. Soothing thoughts coming your way…
    {{JennyLee}}

  • pen

    August 31, 2000 at 4:12 pm

    don’t know what else i can say besides that my thoughts are with you. and i’m impressed you could write about it in your journal. damn, i sound trite!

  • Anonymous

    September 12, 2000 at 9:33 pm

    cry, ophelia

    okay, I will. cry, that is. I suppose it is good. cleansing, healing.
    I am grateful for this new eye candy called livejournal, and this new computer print I’ve come to know as ‘j.l.’
    glad jay-boy was around for you after awhile. it helps to have someone hold in in your skin when you feel like ripping free from it. I do be jealous. I do be thankful there’s a place I can gain solace in knowing that ‘others’ (oh-so-ominous) like moi exist and try and crash and fly. please continue. prod for guts.

    -jinx