Last night I had a moment.
That’s what I call it anyhow. I was in irc #secrets chatting with Darcy and Cyn and Charlie, and somehow we started talking about recreational pharmaceuticals. Or at least I did. I was rambling about the times I tried ecstacy, over a year and a half ago. I actually haven’t done any drugs in over a year, not since the last time I was hanging around smoking with Melesse and Jones – before Jones went incredibly stupid about Jay, before Jay even moved in with me, before we promised to each other that we wouldn’t do any drugs again. In other words, a lifetime ago.
Anyhow, I was talking about being on E (or X, or whatever you’d like to call it,) and how I felt about the entire world while I was on it. I loved everyone, I understood why people were the way they were, I felt as though I understood everything and that the whole world was really just about that feeling of understanding and knowing and loving them anyway. I remember how easy it was to learn something new when I was on that high – I can still play the songs I learned on guitar, but I haven’t been able to learn much of anything at that level of playing since then, because I get frustrated too easily.
There was a feeling of joy and understanding that the drug could bring out in me, and that is how I could see that drug being an addiction. I already have an addictive personality, but I didn’t get addicted. I realized, at some point after the second time I had tried it, that I felt that way sometimes without the drug, and it was like I was cheating somehow to use it to get there. Last night, for some strange reason, I remembered that… and to me, the point of everything I do is to find that feeling, without the use of drugs or alcohol (okay, alcohol just makes me depressed, so that wouldn’t work anyhow,) or anything else that fabricates that feeling… I know for a fact that I’ve felt the exact same way on the streetcar when I watch people… I’ve felt the same understanding when I sit on the boardwalk watching the water and waves and people going by… and that’s what I want to work for – that kind of understanding.
There are days where I just love people, (although there hasn’t been one in a while,) where everything I look at is beautiful by merit of its existance alone. I can’t describe it, I can’t explain it, I can’t even begin to share it with anyone else until I’ve learned how to feel that way any time… and that’s the point, for me. I want to understand everything, and I want everything to understand me, and I want it to be real, not drug-induced. I’ve felt it before, and I know it’s real… I know I can find it again.