Trying to decide if I want to go to the Word on the Street Festival… Cyn will be there for a little while, which is pretty much the only reason I want to go… but she’s not going to be there for very long, because she’s doing a reading on the radio at CIUT – the University Radio station. I know that there are going to be some people there from Marigold as well, but I never feel comfortable around marigold people… they all seem so outgoing and cheerful and supportive and so much like a club that I’m not a part of… not to say that I didn’t try to be part of it, I think it’s amazing what they seem to share, but every time I’ve tried to spend time with them, all I’ve ever wanted to do is hide and not say a word, because everything I say is wrong.
How did I lose so much, so quickly? I used to do poetry readings, I used to love it… I came toToronto and just stopped. And then in the winter of this past year, I went out again, and I read again, and I felt so outside of the whole scene, so completely uncomfortable with the people there, that I hated it. And then I stopped being able to write poetry. It’s just not there anymore. And now I can’t even write articles or stories or descriptions of anything… all I can do is ramble in this fucking journal about pointless nothings.
I’m not quite me anymore. I feel like I’m just taking up space, and every single time I try to change something I just make it worse, or frustrate myself, or lose my track and get lost even worse. And I can’t even write anymore. Writing kept me alive, it helped me to feel good about myself, and I loved to do it… and now every time I even try to write an introduction to an interview, it takes me 4 hours to come up with two sentences and they’re not worth the paper they’re on.
Hi, I’m JennyLee, and I used to be a writer. Now I’m nothing at all.