Oh, and I wrote this up in the forums at I Have a Secret so I thought I’d paste it here. Linked to it earlier, but I want to remember what I wrote out.

When I first got a job where I work a year ago, I thought it was a step up from retail and a great opportunity to learn, something that could either lead to better positions in the company or to something better in another place… within 3 weeks, I was promoted, and then stayed in that place for seven months. Then I got another promotion to a different dept. back in July or so. It looked good, it sounded interesting, and it wasn’t data entry anymore… so I took it.

It was fine for a while… once the people we were working with figured out what they wanted and we started doing it. Then they changed their minds. Then they changed them again. Then they made a few minor changes and brought in a couple of other companies that had to be involved in it for contractual reasons. Then we flew down there and they told us that they were going to take out a lot of the fluff that was slowing crap down.

Then the whole process started all over again. So we went with it, and it was all good. We bitched to each other, then did what we were told.

A few weeks passed, and things were starting to look like they were coming together, and then we didn’t hear from people for a couple of days… we got nervous. Finally, they called us and said, “Okay, everything you’ve been working on doesn’t apply anymore… we’re starting over with something completely new and different.” for the third or fourth time. That was Monday. We haven’t been told what we’re supposed to do yet, so for the past couple of days we haven’t done much.

I’m so fed up and frustrated with this lack of organization, the stress of dealing with people who don’t understand the net but want to make a community of websites and keep changing their minds when a massive project is nearly done, and who expect things from me in an hour that I simply can’t deliver because it’s not possible… and then refer to me as an ‘automated service.’

I’m sick of all of it. I want something new. I want to feel useful instead of redundant, I want to actually do something with my days instead of wondering what I should do next. I want to come home feeling like I’ve accomplished something. I don’t deal with boredom well at all (tends to help me become apathetic and depressed), and since I started working at this place I feel as though I’ve been nothing but bored.

Anyhow. I’m going to talk to a guy tomorrow about a possible other job somewhere. It might not pay as much (which is something that I realistically can’t consider or accept, I do need to pay rent and stuff,) but I don’t know that unless I talk to him. It would be a lot more challenging, a lot more involved, a lot more difficult… and I might actually feel like I’m getting things done instead of running in circles.

Anyhow, that’s what’s up here.

This is what I wrote later in response to myself

As if I’ve ever had a clue what I want. You know public school when they ask you what you want to be? I had no idea, so I said what the girl before me said. then in High school when they do counselling to figure out what you want to go to college for? I didn’t know, so I just went to the one that accepted me, then changed programs after a year, then did two years doing something that I will probably never actually get into doing work-wise.
If I had drive, ambition, or some sort of picture of what I wanted, this would be a whole lot easier. As it stands, the only thing I’ve ever been able to figure out is what I don’t want to do – and that realization only comes after I’ve been doing it for a while.

Can’t I just stay home for a year and sit at my computer while someone else works and brings in money? Oh wait… this is the real world, that sort of thing doesn’t happen to me. I’d probably hate it and get bored anyway.