I can’t tell if my eyes are blurry or if the cam is.

No phone call. I had a minor breakdown tonight with Jay talking about my current job. I’m listening to (& watching) an indie performance on NWEZ, and lurking on irc until my eyes give up. There is something about the host’s voice on this show that grates on my nerves… especially in this mood. Then again, the sound of my own voice grates on my nerves too. And all this watching an indie artist being a guest on some indie show is just making me angry.

I watched the Vegas Videotape… it was really nifty to see everyone from the forums at I Have a Secret all having fun together, but it also made me feel like I missed out on a lot. I really hope the next one is in Toronto (and it’s looking like it may well be,) since that’s probably the only way I’ll get to it.

Work is ruining so much for me… first it made me hate listening to new music… now it’s making me not want to be on my computer at home, when that’s what I do to entertain myself in the evenings… I hate TV, I can only play so much guitar before I hate doing that because I get frustrated (i’m not meant to be self-taught anything, and I have to accept that and take some courses,) and I just don’t like going out all that much. People make me tired.

I can’t explain that… I think when I notice it the most is when I’m on the streetcar. It’s like I pick up on what everyone around me is feeling, and when people are on a streetcar on the way to work or home from work, they’re impatient, they’re tired, they’re unhappy, they just want the trip to be over with… I used to love travel by transit, now it just wears me out and I feel tired, impatient, unhappy, wanting it all to be be over with… I used to write on the streetcar. Now I can’t even opne my book. It’s not so bad when there are only a few people on the streetcar, I feel fine and calm then… but I don’t have many trips like that anymore. And now I work in a place where pretty much no one is happy with what they do, and I think I pick up on all of it, and it amplifies itself and turns in onto me. I’m so unhappy right now… I’m breaking again. The thing is, I never actually break… I just lose myself for a while, and I think I’m breaking, and I say I’m breaking, and I know that things have to change, but I never figure out that they have to change until I reach the point where it’s critical.

Guess what? It’s critical. I’m losing myself again. Why is it always this difficult for me?

1 Comment

  • raviolios

    October 30, 2000 at 8:40 pm

    You’re not alone, hon. Hang in there!