The following is a list of things that I’ve tried that didn’t work out or feel like what I wanted to do.
- Computer programming – took it for years in high school, it stressed me out and I hated all of it. I think I may have cheated on my final exam.
- Factory Work – it hurt, it made me feel awful, and it killed my brain.
- Babysitting – Yes, it was fun to play with kids all day, but it paid $1.50 an hour and after a couple of months I just didn’t want to take care of other people’s children anymore.
- Broadcasting (radio & television) – I hated being on screen, I hated being in the studio, I hated editing video, I hated talking on the radio, I hated the attitude of people in my class and every radio person I ever met, I just pretty much hated everything except the music, although I started to hate that too after a while, since I couldn’t exactly play what I wanted to play.
- Music Production – Two years of school doing this. The only part of it I really enjoyed was getting to sing in the studio (which didn’t happen often, since no one wants to work with someone when all they can do is sing,) and contracts class, but that’s because I had a great music business teacher who made things interesting. I wouldn’t actually want to go into contract negotiation or anything like that, and I don’t want to get into Entertainment law.
- Retail – six years of this, either part or full time. I don’t know how anyone can do this for their entire lives. The more I did it, the worse I felt about myself… anything to make everyone but myself happy is emotionally draining, and being on my feet all day was too physically demanding… I hurt all the time. Retail is another form of hell.
- Web Design – too many companies doing this, I’m not a visually creative person, and I don’t do self-employed well at all.
- Self-employed – hated it. I’d rather work for someone else, even if they’re self-employed. Depression and self-employment quite simply do not go well together.
- Artist management (assistant) – Thankless job that may or may not get you anywhere… chances are good that it won’t get you anywhere at all. Volunteer for six months and maybe someone somewhere will hire you? I can’t live on nothing.
- Data Entry – boring. There is nothing worse than boredom.
- Making mp3’s – also boring.
- Web content providing – also also boring… there’s only so much surfing I can do in an hour before I just stop caring.
- Writing – I haven’t written anything since June or July besides these journal entries. I don’t believe in writing, and besides, I can’t make a living off that.
- Music – I have no drive, no clue what to do, no band, no money, I can’t write songs, and I don’t want to have to tour. No one respects a female singer who can’t write her own songs – at least no one that I’ve ever talked to about it in my entire life, and since I work around musicians, that’s quite a few people…
well, these are jobs I’ve had that haven’t worked out, or schooling I’ve paid for that I’ll never use, or things that would never work out because I can’t do them right. Now I guess I sit here and stare at the list and go well what the fuck do I want to do with my life then?
I don’t feel any better.