No, I still don’t know what I’m doing. Tonight I went out to dinner with Mom & Merv and the people from mom’s work. It was their work party, it was nice of them to let me go. I had a Grilled salmon steak, it was pretty good for fish (I generally don’t like fish that isn’t sushi… but I figured, being on the west coast, I had to try salmon.)
I looked in the mirror today and my eyes were green. I don’t remember the last time I looked in the mirror at my eyes. I think I may do that some more later, or maybe tomorrow. It’s hard to stare into your own eyes, I think. It doesn’t occur to me very often to do so.
I feel sad. And I don’t think it’s Seasonal Affective Disorder (or whatever that stands for…) I just can’t shake the feeling. I’m fine when I have to be, but whenever there’s any sort of downtime, where I just have to be with myself and think about things to do with me, I can’t. I get sad. I want to cave in on myself. I want to curl up and let go and just disappear.
So I try to keep busy, doing things, meeting people, reading, lurking on the net… but a whole lot of it is just my trying to keep from getting into a situation where I’m going to get sad. Not to say that I don’t like doing things or meeting people or reading or lurking, because I do. It’s just that sometimes it feels as though I’m copping out, running away, trying to avoid figuring out what i need to figure out about myself.
Am I afraid of finding out what I want? There’s a thread over at I have a Secret Forums about going for your dreams, taking the chance. I won’t even admit that I have dreams. I won’t allow myself that much.