I watched tv with mom for about fifteen minutes… Mash was on. I went to bed and decided to read for a while. I finished the book. I turned off the light. I was starting to fall asleep, everything was dark and quiet, until a thought jumped unbidden into my mind that woke me up and wouldn’t let me relax.

I started thinking about my passing out, and the fact that I still don’t feel great, and that I’m noticing the dizzy spells more than I used to. I started thinking negatively. I try not to do that, I try to look at all of this and just laugh, since there’s nothing I can do about it right now anyhow… but I got scared. I had a moment of panic. I thought to myself,

What if I don’t wake up in the morning? I’m not ready to not wake up yet…

I realize that it’s highly unlikely for me to not wake up tomorrow. And I don’t want to scare anyone reading this, because I don’t honestly believe that would happen…

but for just a moment, I felt the fear, I felt the panic, I felt the overwhelming desire to be, right here, right now… I don’t want to start over.

I’m not ready to not wake up tomorrow.

Now I have to return to trying to sleep. best of luck to me. *sigh*


  • cyn

    December 7, 2000 at 5:52 am

    i have had that paralyzing “what if i die tonight” fear every single night for as long as i can remember. sometimes during the day too.

    i don’t like it.

    • Jenny Lee Silver

      December 7, 2000 at 1:44 pm

      No, I can totally understand why you wouldn’t like it… it’s not a pleasant feeling at all.

  • ex_oki86

    December 7, 2000 at 6:01 am

    Sorry I missed ya in irc last night. I missed you by a short bit… work was unfortunately crazy.

    But anyways…
    You can’t die damn it! I don’t want to be waiting at the airport to pick you up all weekend!

    hehe. Seriously… you won’t die. I promise you. =>

  • sirreal13

    December 7, 2000 at 6:14 am


    I’m probably practicing medicine without a license, but are your parents on a low sodium diet? I’ve heard of people restricting their dietary sodium so far that they get dizzy from the electrolyte imbalance. It happened to my boss. Sometimes it can happen to people on diuretics due to the lack of potassium. Eat a banana, try sea salt. See what works… Maybe it’s just the onset of a virus…

    • Jenny Lee Silver

      December 7, 2000 at 1:43 pm

      Re: Dizziness

      No, that that I’m aware of. They actually have more salt in their diet than I do, I think. Merv is Diabetic, but that’s about the only dietary issue they’ve got here… and merv is a great cook.

  • bleedingheart

    December 7, 2000 at 6:51 am

    you have a great day

    Rest for awhile, Don’t wanna see u exhausted

  • Anonymous

    December 7, 2000 at 12:34 pm


    now I feel like the odd one out; does that thought actually frighten you? I used to hope that it would happen to me – to just be able to dream until eternity. just float in darkness and warmth. sigh. “one of these things just doesn’t belong here…”

    *Maybe I’m all messed up*


    • Jenny Lee Silver

      December 7, 2000 at 12:57 pm

      Re: ponders…..

      Usually it doesn’t bother me at all. I’m not afraid of being dead, or whatever. But when it hit me with the concept that it could possibly actually happen, I knew I wasn’t done here yet.