Hmm. maybe I’ll ramble about one thing at a time. maybe that will clear up how I’m feeling at least a little bit. I’ll start with SecretCon, I guess.

I’m doing my best to look forward to it. I’m trying to be excited about it. I’m working on getting really into the idea that I’m going to meet a whole bunch of people that I’ve come to consider as friends.

Why is this work for me, though? I should be excited and happy about it. I love meeting people I know online, usually.

In the past couple of months, I feel as though I’ve learned some things about a few friends of mine. The whole experience has left me feeling as though my place isn’t in the forums, and that some people who I thought were friends of mine are now people that I can’t trust, or people who I can only talk to about frivolous things. It’s a bitter realization, and it’s made me draw back into myself a whole lot more than I probably should have, but I just don’t trust people any more… people who were my friends, people I thought I could confide in safely, people who would be willing to just let me talk and not judge me on the bad things that were going on in my life.

There have been people moved from ‘friend I can talk to about anything’ level to ‘friend I could go for coffee and make small talk with, but don’t get into anything serious,’ because of how I’ve been feeling. In fact, nearly everyone has been moved from friend to confide in to casual friend to be social with.

I’m sure some people left me alone because they didn’t want to intrude, and others left me alone because they didn’t want to feel my pain, and others left me alone because I shut them out, and others left me alone because they didn’t know what to do to help me, and still others left me alone because they didn’t want to be caught in the middle. In the end, though, I’m alone, by my own choice I suppose.

How does this affect how I feel about secretcon, though? Well, no matter how much I may have done this to myself, it really does hurt to be alone. It hurts that, when I wanted to feel like people would be there to support me, they weren’t. I didn’t want warm fuzzies, but I don’t think I deserved the betrayal – and since I still don’t know who betrayed me, and I may never find out, then there are an extremely limited number of people I trust with my feelings about anything. So it hurts that I’ve shut out some of the people I may be spending time with during SecretCon. It hurts that I’ve reached a point where, even if I do feel that someone is trustworthy, I still won’t be able to trust them completely. It’s like the part of me that trusts people is shut down, and there’s no re-negotiating for a while.

It hurts, and thinking about SecretCon is like a dig into that pain. It’s hard to explain, and for all I know people are going to be hurt by this entry or something, but that’s not my problem. I’m doing what I have to do to get through a lot of mess that I’ve made, but most people don’t know anything about it because I haven’t been sharing what I’ve been up to.

I stop sharing when I lose trust, and it’s not something that I can just switch back on again, and it has impact on every part of my life.

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