I spend a lot of time thinking about what’s negative… Things that are wrong, things that people didn’t do for me when I was growing up, things that I don’t have, things that I miss, moments I wish I had but didn’t, and so on. I spend so much time thinking, obsessing even, about all the things I’m not, all that I haven’t had and don’t have and may never have, that I don’t seem to remember how to think about what I do have, what people have done for me, what I can do and what I am.
It’s a flaw. It causes me great amounts of distress, it makes me bitter and unhappy. It makes me lose faith in myself and other people around me. I get insecure, I get depressed, I feel like the whole world is against me even though I know better, I feel like all my friends are just humouring me, that my family only wants to keep in touch with me because I owe them money and they don’t want to lose out on that. I forget that my friends are there for me, that my family cares about me even if they have a lot of trouble showing such things, that the world has no opinion on me whatsoever, that I am a perfectly nice person to spend time with.
And of course, the more I dwell on the negative things, the more likely I am to become what I think I am… someone that no one wants to be around. Someone who can’t do anything right. Someone whose family hates her. A ball of insecurity just waiting to explode into tiny pieces of nothingness.
All that crap they say about knowing… well, it may be true, but there’s still the other half. And I’m not there yet. Still working on it.