Adam’s already in bed. I’m not really tired yet (I didn’t work two jobs today, after all) so I’m just kinda lurking out in the computer room. If I went to bed I’d probably just keep him awake with my alertness, and I’d just be frustrating myself. If you haven’t ever slept in a bed with another person, these are the things that sometimes happen after a while – if you’re alert, they’re aware of it and have trouble sleeping, and vice versa. At least it’s always worked that way for me. But I’d still rather sleep with someone than alone. It’s just much more comfortable.
Still trying to read Snow Crash. Am maybe 1/4 of the way through it. I keep forgetting to read it and losing it and such. I still think I want to go read some Sociology books. I feel as though I’m not actually interested in anything anymore. It’s hard to feel passionate about things anymore. I can’t even remember when I was last passionate about something, really interested in something. I would guess that’s why I’m so hard to please these days. I should suck it up, keep this stupidass job and get out of this city on schedule. It won’t kill me. But goddamnit, I don’t want to be unhappy til then, and much as I see the positives of this job, they repeatedly get destroyed (on a nearly nightly basis) by the negatives. It’s like some weird cycle I go through… I’m okay with it for a while, then I get slammed by this feeling of wanting to keep walking right past the door on my way in to work. And when I arrive, it doesn’t get much easier, other than the fact that it’ll be over in a few hours. I hate that feeling, and I hate living like that. And then I go home and do nothing because there’s nothing I feel like doing. And I get up the next day and do nothing because nothing seems worth doing.
I know I’m doing this to myself. I know I need to spend some time figuring out who I am and what I want to be doing, because this obviously isn’t it, and moving isn’t going to magically make it better, much as I like to dream it will. I’ll still be stuck with my apathetic self and no direction.
I wonder what it’s like to actually be driven?