I find it difficult to exist in a state of happiness. I am aware, logically, that it really is all my state of mind, and that I have the power to change my attitude about something that I consider unhappy about my life, my job, or anything else. Logic and I don’t always like to play nice, however. I’m pretty stubborn, and when I get it in my head that I’m unhappy about something, I tend to latch on to it and obsess about it and carry it around with me everywhere. If someone suggests that I maybe not obsess so much, then I take it as some kind of personal attack. The thing is, I really do feel like I have to protect that feeling – as if I would lose something important if I let it go.
Wait, I’m not being very clear. Let me try again.
Those shoes, that girl, that job.
Let’s face it, I second guess a lot of things. I second guess my decisions about what I’m doing on the weekend. I wonder if I’m missing something better than what I’m doing. I’m one of those people, although I am much better than I used to be. My awareness of this aspect of my personality, this habit if you will, has caused me to think it through more and actively accept the choices I make. Last Friday I decided not to go to Games with Adam and spadoink and the others. Making that choice was tough for me because I didn’t want to miss anything, but once I had phoned Adam to tell him I would instead be staying at work for a while and then just spending a quiet night in with Chris, Jinni, Tara and Glen, I was comfortable with it. I didn’t second guess that decision.
Sometimes I wonder if I should have held out a little bit longer on buying my laptop so that I could have had a slightly faster processor, or a better promotion or discount, or whatever. I’ve been training myself not to think that way, because it has no bearing on the reality that my laptop is what I got. I’m happy with it, it is perfect for my needs, and I have no complaints. Same goes for my mountain bike. Never really thought that way about my camera, though.
Last week I started to get depressed over leaving high school a year early because I was so desperate to get away from Iroquois. I started to go through ‘what ifs’ about relationships, my potential career path, and my entire life since then, based on the concept that I did not stay and do OAC credits, which meant I never bonded as closely as some of my friends did after I left, and meant I didn’t go to University but instead pursued college which has turned out to be virtually useless in any career sense. Or has it?
The point is, that was a choice I made when I was 17 – twelve years ago now. Twelve years is a long time for me to be sitting at my desk nearly crying over something that I imagine might have turned out better than what I have now. There is no way I can know that, and regret is pretty stupid over a choice I made when I was 17.
Adam is inherently an upbeat, happy, outgoiing, and energetic guy when it comes to his life. This is the man I’ve married. I am inherently a mellow, realistic, shy and low-energy kind of girl. We work well together, we make each other happy, we drive each other crazy. There is no decision there that I regret. I already knew long before I was with him that a boyfriend/husband would not create perfection in my life. He doesn’t always understand me, I don’t always understand him.
This is where everything comes to pieces. I haven’t been really happy with a job for more than 8 months since I worked at Smoothwater – and I only worked there for a few months, so it probably doesn’t even count. It’s not even that I’m unhappy with the current job I have – I’m just bored. Unfortunately for me, I don’t take boredom well. I think sometimes that I should learn to, and I try to fill my time with things, but sitting at a computer surfing just doesn’t cut it. I taught myself some photoshop, but without a specific purpose in mind I lost interest quickly. I redesigned my website. I designed someone else’s website. I reaffirmed my lack of interest in designing websites. It’s like I’m not interested in doing anything, except doing nothing is even worse.
Hi, my name is Jenny and I’ll be 30 in nine days, and I still don’t know what to do with my life.
It doesn’t really matter in the long term.